Scratch a Prude, Sniff a Perv

Something I get, and two things I don't get.

I get that the phrase "Methinks the Lady doth protest too much," is cliche.

Why, then, doesn't our culture seem to get that? That's the first thing I don't get.

As glass houses come tumbling down about the ears of "RIGHTeous" men, over and over and over again, you'd think the accuracy of our Hypocrite Early Warning System would improve, wouldn't you?

Why is it, after so much experience, that when some asshat starts screaming about teh gay, or teh fambily valuez, or teh trampling of christian rightz, we do not simply slap a decibel meter on them, calculate the frequency and acoustic levels of their outbursts, chart the algorithm from past data, and set the fucking timer for their projected MMM??!! (Moments to Moral Meltdown)

I mean, really. I do not get why there is any element of surprise to the whole thing anymore.

It just so obvious. One of the ways that I personally determine where people score on the "gay aptitude test" is their level of knowledge about/interest in anything gay (regardless of whether this expresses as a positive or negative attitude).

Example: A friend (I call her "Sherry") was quizzing me about being a lesbian. I had always thought of her as one of the most heterosexual people I had ever met, but until this day, I wasn't exactly sure why I thought that. She asked me, "So, when you make love with your girlfriend, don't you miss the closeness?"

I was completely baffled. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you know . . . . the closeness."

"I really don't know what you mean, Sherry. Do you think we have sex, like, from separate rooms, or something?"

I then realized that she simply could not imagine having sex without having a penis in a vagina. She literally could not imagine it. That's why I think of her as unremittingly straight.

See, people who don't want to have a certain kind of sex don't seem to spend a lot of time imagining what it might be like. They also, in my experience, don't spend a lot of time insisting that other people not have that kind of sex -- it just doesn't occupy much (or frequently any) space in their minds.

The second thing I don't get is: How in the world do these people think they're not going to get caught?

These are some of the same people who supported Bush's illegal wire-tapping and internet-harvesting programs. Surely they must know that we live in an increasingly transparent age in terms of personal information.

Is it simply staggers-the-mind quantities of denial?

Is it passeth-all-human-understanding levels of arrogance?

Is it something in the communion wafers? I mean, really --- how do they manage it?!?

See, now right at that moment, I almost feel sorry for them. I have known the agony of the closet . . . . the terror that someone might find out who I really am, and judge me, and scorn me, and fire me, and beat me.

But I never for an instant actually thought that it was impossible that someone might find me out. So I came out of the closet, instead.

So what do they got that I don't got?

Oh, yeah -- they've got the "Get Out of Hell Free" card. As Kate Clinton once said (I paraphrase): "You say your confession, do your penance, and you're back on the street."

In the interest of supporting the Constitution and forming a more perfect Union, establishing Justice, insuring domestic Tranquility, providing for the common defence, and promoting the general Welfare, I am now requesting that each of you begin exercising your Hypocrite Early Warning System.

Exercise:
Choose a screetcher about values/morals/wev, and using the algorithm of past cases, calculate their projected time to MMM.

This is not a psychic, woo-woo exercise. Be scientific. Use your brain.

Special Credit if you successfully predict what method they will use to dodge responsibility for their acts. This is multiple choice:

  1. It's a misunderstanding.
  2. I've already confessed it to my preacher.
  3. The Devil made me do it. He's after me personally because I am such a force for Good.
  4. All of the above.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 11:59 AM  

7 comments:

Phydeaux Speaks said... July 12, 2007 at 8:12 PM  

During the 60's we had the DEW line (Distant Early Warning) up in Canada to let us know when the Russkies launched their nukes.

I think we should set up the Hypocrite Early Warning System as physical outposts (surrounding DC) to warn the nation when any politicians try to leave the perimeter of the beltway.

And just frikkin' shoot the Repellicans. On sight. No bag limit. And free taxidermy.

Phydeaux Speaks said... July 12, 2007 at 8:14 PM  

"any" wasn't supposed to be a link (in case you try to click on it to see what gem I had).

Rass'n frass'n HTML.

Gender Blank said... July 13, 2007 at 7:10 AM  

You forgot alcohol/drugs/homophobic illnesses. All misdeeds can be explained away if you simply check into rehab.

"Don't blame me! It was the booze/coke/twinkies!"

Rehab is just a perv-laundering scheme.

I'm no good at math, so I shan't be using any sort of algorithms. But my prediction for next to implode is Bill Donahue. Just hasta be. He will blame the communion wine. And Melissa McEwan, natch.

liberalandproud said... July 13, 2007 at 8:10 AM  

I had to scroll back up to make sure there wasn't a TTDT at the top of the post, 'cause I aint so good with teh maths.

maudite entendante said... July 27, 2007 at 11:59 AM  

"I really don't know what you mean, Sherry. Do you think we have sex, like, from separate rooms, or something?"

... and there went my coffee - through my nose, and all over my keyboard.

PortlyDyke said... July 27, 2007 at 12:26 PM  

Always glad to serve, Maudite. ;)

JackGoff said... August 8, 2007 at 2:48 PM  

Scratch a Prude, Sniff a Perv

I think I just finally died laughing.

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