The Lesbian Grand Council FAQ

Well, I've commented on behalf of the Lesbian Grand Council [tm] a few times now, and I think it's time that we come out of the closet.

Lesbian Grand Council (LGC) FAQ:

Question: What is the Lesbian Grand Council?

The Lesbian Grand Council is a galaxy-wide coalition of lesbians and lesbian-sympathizers. At its meta-level, the LGC governs every aspect of life as a lesbian (see "The Lesbian Rules" at the end of this post), which is far too detailed and complex to explain fully in this post (or this lifetime). Do not attempt to understand the LGC in its entirety. This will lead you to the Cliffs of Insanity.

Question: Do I have to be a lesbian in order to be authorized to post/comment on behalf of the LGC?

Answer: No. But you do have to be willing to be identified as a lesbian, which includes, for legal purposes, being labeled, in print or electronic media, with any or all of the following words, and in any combination thereof: lesbian, dyke, lesbo, queer, homo, gay, cunt, man-hating, castrating, dick-slicing, ball-cutting, bull-dagger, unnatural, freak, freak-of-nature, abomination, sodomite, pervert, perv, muff-diver, clam-licker, flange-fister (or, when you are lingering with the "intelligentsia" -- Homophile, or Invert) -- and also, even though you would think it didn't really apply to lesbians: faggot, fag, fairy, fruit, cock-sucker, and "some-phrase-I-haven't-thought-of-yet-
but-I'm-sure-They-will". (I welcome your submissions if I've omitted a common epithet that you feel should be included in this section of the FAQ.)

This section implies, but does not detail, further phrases and combinations of abusive language that you are likely to encounter if you post or comment as a representative of the LGC, such as "can't get a man", "just need a real man", or "fat, ugly hole". We will refrain from detailing other, more violent, abusive phrases that you may be the recipient of, as we do not want to show up in certain Google searches.

Question: Do I have to be bitter to post/comment on behalf of the LGC?

Answer: Not necessarily, but it may help. The human tongue is capable of tracking five basic tastes: Salty (Ooooo -- Pussy!), Sweet (Ooooo again -- Pussy!), Savouriness (aka Umame -- OOOOO -- Pussy again!!), Sour (sometimes, pussy, also) and Bitter (Also sometimes pussy, unfortunately) -- however, -- evolutionary biologists have suggested that a distaste for bitter substances may have evolved as a defense mechanism against accidental poisoning, so developing your bitterness-receptors may actually help you to determine when you have encountered something that is potentially poisonous -- such as a right-wing troll, rape-apologist, progressive wanna-be, or queer-basher. Don't hesitate to develop your "Bitter" receptors -- you may need them, in the long run.

Question: Does the LGC have any rules about posting/commenting on behalf of the organization?

Answer: Emphatically, YES. Here are the LGC posting/commenting guidelines, in a nutshell:

  • When posting on behalf of the LGC, do not call anyone names that you, yourself, would not want, or be willing, to be called.
  • In all instances, be "up-beat" and congratulatory in your posts/comments! Example: "Great job [right-wing nut-case]! Thanks for helping the LGC in its continuing mission to raise the awareness of all humanity about the reality and prevalence of real oppression, simply by being who you are, and saying what you say! I couldn't have made a better case against hypocrisy and hate if I had banged away on my keyboard all day!"
  • Remember that extremely hateful people can be testy at times. If they nip or bark at you, remain calm and keep your sense of humor.
  • Try to really "give" something to those you are posting/commenting to . . . An award, certificate, or decorative wall-hanging can go a long, long way! Be creative! Yes, you can always fall back on LGC standard awards: the "Honorary Inadvertent Blue-Ally Creator" lapel-pin, or the "Thanks for Pushing that Gay-Curious Gal Off the Fence Cuz You're Being Such an Asshole" Certificate of Merit, but the LGC encourages innovative thought and action, and we welcome your suggestions for new honors and awards.
Question: How do I become an authorized poster/commenter for the LGC?

Answer: You must apply to ME, Portly Dyke, at this blog -- Nowhere Else! As LGC Internet Chairwomyn/Chairwombwyn/Chairwomin (oh, fuck it,whatever) -- I, and I alone, have the power to invest you as an authorized LGC poster/commenter.

To apply for authorization, make a comment to this post, detailing the gifts and commitment that you bring as a potential LGC poster/commenter, and I will consider your application.

Of course, there are some intricacies involved with being a Lesbian, or even with being associated with Lesbianism. If I could figure out how to embed this sound file into my blog, I'd do it, but for now -- you're just going to have to bear with a link to . . . .
The Lesbian Rules

If you're serious about applying, I suggest you listen to that.

Signing Off,
Portly Dyke

[This post is dedicated to Fred Phelps, who, through his courageous stretching of the hate-envelope, managed to transform my straight, Lutheran, midwest mother into a LGBT activist.]

Posted byPortlyDyke at 7:57 PM  


Phydeaux Speaks said... July 25, 2007 at 6:07 AM  

Thank you for the primer... and especially the song!! The more I learn about my online friends, the more insignificant my own talents seem.

I don't know if I am worthy of petitioning your "Internet Chairwomyn/Chairwombwyn/Chairwomin (oh, fuck it,whatever)"-ship for authorization, although I have never broken the rules. (I even lived on lesbian land for a time, several years ago)

Excellent post!

Petulant said... July 25, 2007 at 7:28 AM  

I sure ain't worthy. I broke Lesbian Rule No. 1 way too many times!

Great song!!

I will sit humbly by the LGC Internet Chairwomyn/Chairwombwyn/Chairwomin though. Well, as long as a man doesn't walk by. Oops...


JackGoff said... July 25, 2007 at 7:57 AM  

This rules so much! I need to keep a link to that plaque picture, for those speyshul trolls like randyson!

(OMG, Word Verification: MMVADJ! HAHA!)

Brian said... July 25, 2007 at 8:48 AM  

I would like to humbly submit my application as well.

And jackgoff, I think my word verification beats yours: uglmn. That's can't be coincidence, can it? :)

Gender Blank said... July 26, 2007 at 6:09 AM  

I hate to nitpick, PD, but many of your suggestions for interacting with assholes sound like sarcasm, which I was expressly warned against a few posts back. What gives?

PortlyDyke said... July 26, 2007 at 8:45 AM  

I don't consider that "nit-picking" at all -- I'd call that good, old-fashioned "paying attention".

A award or letter from the LGC should never be given to someone who is participating in actual substantive discussion, regardless of their political or religious views.

These honors are only to be delivered to those whose behavior and speech is so outrageous and illogical that it is clear that they are not really engaged in any type of discussion, who are clearly just out there to inflame sentiment that works in our favor (*cough*cough*obvious trolls*)

(On a serious note. As I said in response to your comment on "Speak Your Truth" I think sarcasm mostly works to create solidarity with others who already agree with me, and not so well when I'm actually trying to have a connective, transformational conversation with someone who I really want to communicate with. Recently, there have been some extremely obvious trolls on threads that I've been reading -- people who have very obviously had only the objective of de-railing the dialogue. A quick note from the LGC gives me the opportunity to say "Buh-bye" to them in a way that doesn't leave me feeling toxic.)

PortlyDyke said... July 26, 2007 at 8:47 AM  

Oh, and GB -- I always welcome being taken to task -- so thanks! (That is sincere.)

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