Showing posts with label Funny Fluff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny Fluff. Show all posts

Be A Patriot - Dump Money in a Hole!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Posted byPortlyDyke at 10:45 PM 3 comments  

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Me and My Blotter
Saturday, November 15, 2008

OK --so, I live in this little town -- a really sweet, quirky, weird little town.

The town bumper sticker on the vehicles of "committed" residents is:


When I moved here eight years ago, I was a bit nervous at first. With a population of 7,000 (at that time), a paper mill for the "big employer", a large number of military bases within a 50 mile radius, and acres and acres of surrounding woodlands, I was a bit daunted about moving from Portland (where I had resided for 22 years) to a little tiny town. Then I saw those bumper stickers everywhere, took a deep breath, and assured myself that everything was going to be A-OK.

I settled in pretty quickly, attending the weekly waffle breakfast at the home of a man who opens his home on Sunday mornings to all comers -- and makes batch after batch of his prized waffle recipe. Visitors bring the raspberries, real maple syrup, whipped cream, etc., -- and musical instruments -- there's usually an impromptu concert after -- a mellow, carbohydrate-soaked concert. This tradition is simply known as "Waffles" -- as in: "Will I see you at Waffles?", "You gonna be at Waffles this week?", and "OMG! You'll never believe what happened at Waffles!"

I attended the Kinetic Sculpture Race -- in which contestants build a human-powered vehicle that must race on water, land, mud, and sand, the "winner" gets the Mediocrity Award (Offishul Rules here) -- for coming in -- not first -- not last -- but smack dab in the middle, and the finale at the Mud Bog is accompanied by the Teddy-Bear Toss (in which stuffed animals are catapulted -- from a huge catapult -- across a football field into the arms of waiting children).

I've been in the "Port Townsend Family Portrait" most years since I moved here -- a full poster-sized photo of thousands of residents, usually photographed from a crane or the top of a building (wish I could take a photo that would do it justice, but even wall-sized, the faces are so tiny that it's a game of Where's Waldo to pick out your friends, or yourself, in the crowd).

But probably my very favorite part of my quirky little town is our Police Blotter and Sheriff's Log -- one of the real reasons I shell out 75 cents for the local weekly paper.

There are Blotter entries that I have clipped and saved, and after laughing uproariously with a friend yesterday as I read my favorite snippets to her, I thought I'd blog a few. It's not like we have zero crime in our town (in fact, there's a meth-lab problem in some areas of the county) -- let's just say that what constitutes the typical entries in the weekly paper are pretty low-key -- and some of them are downright hilarious.

"A dog has been seen running with a pack of coyotes. The dog's former owner said Jan. 1 that the dog is part coyote."

"On May 25th, Officers were called to the scene of a party where a 24-year old man had become stuck in a hide-abed sofa."

"Goats were said to be loose Dec. 30 on Cedar Avenue"

"There was a report of a fire March 19 at East Price Street. Deputies responded and found the fire to be piece of furniture in a fire ring. The people were warned about burning particle board shelving."

"A PT man said he was assaulted after he was struck in the head Dec. 31 by a lobster tail"
Now, to be perfectly fair, the follow-up article in the next week's paper (Yes. There was a follow-up article) did reveal that it was a frozen lobster-tail. So, there is that.

*TRIGGER WARNING* Now, the next one isn't really funny -- but honest to Maude -- I had to wonder if the author of the blotter wasn't just fucking with someone's head with the last line:
"On March 25, a woman brought a doll that she found in the 200 block of Adams Street to the police department. The doll had been altered with satanic symbols. The doll's owner can retrieve it at the police station." [emp mine]
(/TriggerWarning)

But my all time favorite was this one:
"A woman called 911 on Dec 26 to complain that her relatives were annoying her."
I was like: "Holy Shit! You can call 911 for that?!?!"

If only I'd known sooner.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 10:10 AM 9 comments  

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There Are Days
Sunday, April 20, 2008

When I just want to see something that I know will tickle my fancy -- that's why this video remains in my favorites list -- forever:



and also why I "StumbleUpon", regularly:

Posted byPortlyDyke at 1:05 AM 6 comments  

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Just in Case You Missed It
Wednesday, April 2, 2008

This was the BBC's April Fool's bit for this year:


And this is how it was made:


And, just for good measure, here's the very first BBC April Fool's video -- released during my first year of life:

Posted byPortlyDyke at 11:30 PM 4 comments  

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Told Ya So
Friday, March 7, 2008

This site is certified 30% EVIL by the Gematriculator

This site is certified 70% GOOD by the Gematriculator

H/T to Madness in Women

Posted byPortlyDyke at 4:21 PM 3 comments  

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Lawrence Rools!!!!!
Sunday, February 10, 2008

I'm pretty sure that my grandparents must have seen the number in the clip below the very week it was broadcast some 35 years ago -- they were die-hard Lawrence Welk fans until the show was canceled (actually, now that I think of it, my grand-dad died before the last show aired -- so he was literally a die-hard fan).

I hated that show, because when we were at my grandparents house, nothing else could exist on the TV if Welk was on -- but damn -- I can't stop watching this clip -- and Brian said it best:

"This is either the most subversive moment in the history of the Lawrence Welk Show, or they didn't have a clue what they're singing, and neither did anyone else on the show. Either way, it's effing brilliant." ~ Brian from Incertus

I love how Dale and Gail try to make it "extra zippy" with that syncopated drop-beat before "hopin' that the train is on time", and Dale's hep-cat bass scatting of "dontcha know that we're-a . . . ".

"There you've heard a modern spiritual by Gail . . . and Dale".

Indeed. Indeed I have.

I'm voting that they had no idea what this song was about -- Gail and Dale look way too perky to be stoners, and if they were taking anything beyond Folgers coffee back in the day, that pinafore would given them both flashbacks for decades.

Gail does look kind of creeped-out by Dale's proximity, though -- maybe that's the weed-induced paranoia setting in -- No -- wait -- never mind -- that's not paranoia, it's just good old-fashioned common sense. (Step away from the man with smarmy hair!)

Then again -- at 00:00:14 of the vid, Myron (yes, I know his name -- Myron Florens --the accordian guy -- I told you they made me watch it!) . . . . . . at second 14, Myron does seem to be exhibiting symptoms of, well . . . . hash-throat.

*waving at txrad*
===========================
(h/t to Brian at Incertus -- and by the way -- if you don't already read Incertus -- well, you know how much I hate the word "should", so I won't say that you "should" read this blog . . . . . I'll just say that I heartily recommend it.)

Posted byPortlyDyke at 11:59 PM 3 comments  

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Tuesday Fluff
Tuesday, February 5, 2008

No, really -- it's pretty good -- maybe not so fluffy at all.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 11:30 PM 2 comments  

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I'm not blogging today, so there.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008

I've been busy. What can I say?

I love this act -- yes, it's sooooo deconstructive -- especially with the subtitles, and the fact that you'd never see this broadcast in the US with Nina Conti and Monk using the term "fist", or the phrase "Well that fucks up the illusion!":

Posted byPortlyDyke at 11:21 PM 4 comments  

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Every Girl Needs a Theme Song
Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Well, thanks to those who suggested some topics. As always, it resurrected me, and I'm working on some posts -- in the meantime:

Posted byPortlyDyke at 11:54 PM 2 comments  

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I've Been Saved
Sunday, January 13, 2008

It's true. I have embraced a personal relationship with my Deity, and once again, my faith has been rewarded.

See, just last night, I was praying that I would find something to blog today that wouldn't require me to take a lot of time and attention from the project that I'm blissfully in love with right now (and which I've been deeply involved in since noon).

And my prayers have been answered.

Who says there is no Supreme Being? Jesus Jesse saves. Can I get an Amen?!?!?!


From Crackle: Mr. Deity and the Murder - Season 2, Ep 6

Posted byPortlyDyke at 7:43 PM 2 comments  

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In Honor of Living Like a Cat Day
Saturday, January 12, 2008

I'm not blogging today. So there!

I am, however, posting videos of squirrels, so that your inner cat may be entertained:

Posted byPortlyDyke at 11:55 PM 1 comments  

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Premature Cat Blogging
Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Posted byPortlyDyke at 10:19 PM 2 comments  

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Blog Vacation
Thursday, October 4, 2007

Well, I'm off tomorrow to teach in the big CITY!!!!

I rarely go into the city, if I can help it. It disrupts my chi and I get the angsties -- however, there are some lovely people there who want my loveliness there, so I am going.

I hope you won't feel abandoned.

I've left these links to help you through the long weekend (chances are that I won't be blogging until Tuesday the 9th) -- try to make them last:

Incredible Brains:
http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=i85su1w6uz

Cats (Ok, this should take care of my cat-blogging for this week -- oh yeah, as if):
http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=6574lby27w

and/or
http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=fj8fy46629

For the more cynically and/or hopefully inclined:
http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=jox3871zdd

and
http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=br69tkm55t

And just because I actually play the piano, with little hands:

Posted byPortlyDyke at 10:10 PM 4 comments  

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See Phydeaux Speak - Ahrrrrgh!
Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Avast Ye! It's talk like a pirate day, and talk like a pirate ye will, or I'll run ye through with my snicker-snee! Arrgh.

(While I'm trying to think up some more piratey things to say, go See Phydeaux Speak for a great video on how not to be a Christian.)

Shiver me titties, but it's a fine day fer a pirate!

Posted byPortlyDyke at 11:50 AM 1 comments  

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I Spent the Day Organizing My Basement
Thursday, September 6, 2007

"After the ecstasy . . . . the laundry" ~ Chris Kammler

I will paraphrase: "After the garage sale, the re-organization of the garage."

My parents are coming for a visit next week, and I'm using their imminent arrival as the perfect excuse to attend to a lot of things I've been wanting to attend to anyway.

So, I'm giving you a cheap and easy blog entry (because I'm currently working on an entry about my personal addiction to Shit-Storms).

In the meanwhile -- watch this:



Oh, and BTW -- I've liberated you all from captcha - at least until it becomes a problem -- comments ahoy!

Posted byPortlyDyke at 11:17 PM 4 comments  

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Lazy Ass Blogging
Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Well, yesterday I started a two-day mentoring intensive with a couple of my students, so no bloggy-goodness from me. This morning will be short and sweet, but at least it'll give me a "presence" for the day.

Shit that made me laugh:




Shit that made me cry (in a good way, at times):

Melissa McEwan takes the words right out of my mouth.

Mustang Bobby moves me to tears.

That is all.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 8:00 AM 2 comments  

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Peculiar Titles and Work Interference
Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Sorry folks -- today work interfered greatly with my blog dedication. Once more, I'm passing you on to fun activities, and while I pound away on the last entry in the Trolls series, I thought I'd inform you as to how you may address me from now on:

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
Marchioness Portlydyke the Radiant of Durdle Door
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title
Tomorrow's my day off, so I'll be finishing up that troll series as I sip a well-deserved beer (or two).

Posted byPortlyDyke at 11:59 PM 3 comments  

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Troll Break
Monday, August 13, 2007

I'm working on the next piece of the troll series but real life got in the way.

So, I'm going to simply dangle some interesting bits for you tonight (DO NOT pretend that I said "shiny things"!)

For Cat Lovers:

http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=y9r4wagdsy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJQG6V1MOVY

For Dog Lovers:

http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=lt16jr0xaf

For God Lovers:

http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=u5pu71wmd6

For Potty-Mouths:

http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=0f5z3a87go

OK, that should suffice.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 8:39 PM 2 comments  

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Told Ya I'd Answer
Tuesday, July 31, 2007

For those brave souls who dared to "ask a question" -- here are my answers:

To Phydeaux, in response to: "Just how long does it take to create a label for Portly Dyke Brewing's "Beard-Stroke Stout", anyway?:

Apparently, about this long:

Personally, I was working for a little more "bling", but you can't rush genius -- I still haven't settled on a background color, or cleaned up text positioning.

Patience, Phydeaux, patience.

Oh, fer fuck's sake -- Blogger won't animate my gif. You'll have to go HERE to see what, if any, the bling is about. (If you're using Firefox, you may need to right-click and use "open in new window" to see the animation part).

And to NameChanged: I think you will have a boy. At the very least, a very "yang" being (regardless of chromosomal gender) -- don't mistake me -- I don't mean that you will bear a dyke if it's a chromosomal female -- I know a lot of "yin" dykes. But you probably know already, with all that shoving and pushing, that there's a whole-lotta-yang going on "down there". I think your mom agrees with me.

Tomorrow morning, very early, I plan to put up a "pithy" post, and a couple of entrancing link-posts, so that you will all be entertained for the next two days. I am leaving in the morning for a much-deserved camping/fishing trip, and I'll be back Friday night. Short vacation, it's true, but I will relish it.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 11:20 PM 3 comments  

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Honoring Butt-Pirates Everywhere
Wednesday, July 25, 2007

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 1:46 PM 3 comments  

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