Trollz Antidotes: Part 2 -- How to Enjoy Trolls
Sunday, August 12, 2007

(Continued from Part I)

This entire post assumes that you are not going to take the cleaner, clearer "Option #1 -- Starve the Troll" approach, and that you have consciously decided that you want to have fun with a troll.

[Disclaimer: I only use these techniques with people who have proven themselves to be trolls by continuing behavior over time. I recommend that you do the same, lest you become a troll. Fangs, bad breath, eeeeew!]

The key to enjoying trolls is to understand the basic energy mechanics of the troll interaction.

I'll begin with the generic individual troll. This type of troll generally wants one thing: Your donation of time, energy, and attention -- in as large a quantity as it can get it. The more ramped up the Troll can get you, the more energy you are likely to spew it's way. Since most of us don't like to feel "mad" or "scared" or "upset", we tend to discharge these emotions away from us, thus losing that energy. If we laugh (an energy that we generally enjoy), we tend to keep our energy with us. This is the one reason that I would advocate having fun with a troll.

Of course, any self-respecting troll will tell you that they are NOT a troll -- that they've just come for an intelligent discussion of the matter at hand. This pretty much recaps what happens if you dare to believe that:



So, fix this maxim firmly in your head: If you choose to toy with a troll, do not entertain the slightest delusion that you are going to "win" -- the point of having fun with a troll is for YOU to HAVE FUN. As far as I'm concerned, all troll play should include the FEPO disclaimer (For Entertainment Purposes Only).

That said, here are a few fun and entertaining games to play with the average everyday individual troll:

1. Give it something shiny to play with. Trolls like shiny things. Shiny things could be links to involved statistical websites (if they are a stat fanatic), fascinating wikis, very long video or audio files (like 30 minutes or longer, and include something like "Be sure to listen in to time-mark 24:35 to get what I'm talking about" in your comment). Send it over for a friendly chat with BlogWarBot, but obfuscate the link with something like "Here, THIS is exactly what I'm saying, but the author is way more articulate than I am."
1. For the html impaired, here's a cut and paste for your "troll-fun" file -- simply remove all the asterisks *:

   Here, <*a href="http://faultline.org/index.php/site/blogwarbot/">THIS <*/a>is <*i>exactly <*/i>what I'm saying, but the author is way more articulate than I am.

2. Play with it on its own terms.
1. Play the "Bible Study Game" with Fundamentalist Christian trolls. I generally whip this one out any time a troll cites or quotes scripture. It's really fun, because, as I said before, the Bible can be used to justify almost anything. Don't worry if you don't have a wealth of biblical knowledge -- that what sites like these are for: http://www.biblegateway.com -- you can simply search on a keyword and whip up a delicious biblical pastiche.
   
2. Play the "But That's Not What You Said Yesterday" Game -- Keep a handy note-pad file open while you surf your regular community (one note-pad file for each recurrent Troll), and save the Troll's particularly juicy comments (with date and time included) to that file. When the Troll flip-flops (and they usually will -- especially Trolls who accuse you of being inconsistent), just copy, paste, and voila!
   
3. Start a impromptu Virtual Party/Pub with the people that you think are actually making intelligent discussion on the thread -- invite them specifically, offer them a cordial flask of strong drink or a cup of tea -- and request that they ignore the troll completely as you continue the conversation and sip your refreshing virtual beverages. Here's a template: "Hey! I'm declaring a Party on this thread. /*plumping cushions, tapping the keg*/ _______, _____, _________, and _______, will you join me? Let's go over here where we can't hear the troll." (Warning: this must be very consistent -- you must all then ignore the troll's whining about exclusion, freedom-of-speech, the intolerance of regulars to opposing positions, etc.). Make sure that the party includes lots of good humor and serious discussion.
4. Play Troll Bingo -- there are a number of great issue bingo cards out there -- including rape apology bingo, fat hate bingo, libertaraian troll bingo, etc..
   
5. Acknowledge the Troll's service to the view that it opposes. If the troll has truly outdone itself, offer it an award:

If you are uncomfortable associating yourself to the LGC for any idealogical (or other) reason, it's perfectly legitimate for you to create your own organization and awards.

If you aren't that gifted with photoshop, there are also some handy-dandy images here that are great for troll fun.


The first rule of Troll Enjoyment is Have Fun! The second rule is Be Creative! Go wild!

There are also exciting group games that you can play:

1. Put the Enterprise into self-destruct mode if the troll is very persistent. (It's worked for Captain Kirk several times). Let other regulars know that when anyone types "Destruct sequence 1, code 1-1 A." Another commenter will respond: "Destruct sequence 2, code 1-1 A-2B." A third will respond:"Destruct sequence 3, code 1 B-2B-3." A fourth will respond: "Destruct sequence completed and engaged. Awaiting final code for one-minute countdown. The commanding officer would then state: "Code zero zero zero. Destruct. Zero." From that time forward, everyone leaves the thread for the next 15 minutes. In haloscan, have everyone close their windows, so that the comment thread shows evacuation procedure. Upon return, ignore the troll. Yes, this takes some coordination, but it's really fun. If you're the owner of the blog, you may be able to close the comment thread. Have an agreed-upon rendezvous point if you do this. If you want to know my secret rendezvous point, you have to leave a comment here -- and it's still at my discretion whether I reveal the rendezvous point to you or not.
   
2. Have an anti-troll device that you can hand out to regulars. (This is that exciting invention that I've been working on.) Presenting:
   

Posted byPortlyDyke at 11:00 AM 11 comments  

Labels: Teh Internet, Trolls, Video

Trollzy Antidotes -- Part the First
Saturday, August 11, 2007

Regarding Trolls: I told you they was tricksy. I told you they was false.

OK. That about sums it up. My work here is done. /*dusting off palms*/
=======================
Oh, don't get all knicker-twisted -- of course that isn't all of it.

I'm going to take you through the Portly Dyke step-by-step program of troll-handling. Basically, it involves 3 basic activities:

1. Assure that you are actually dealing with a troll, rather than a person who may simply be ignorant on the issues (and therefore, who someday may actually come to enlighten you, and/or be enlightened, through the process of intelligent, respectful conversation or dialogue).
   
2. Once you have assured that you are actually dealing with a troll, make a clear decision about how you want to deal with the troll. (See below)
3. Once you have made a decision about how you want to deal with the troll, STICK the FUCK to your approach!

Gee. That sounds so simple, doesn't it?

Let's start with step 1. How can you know if you're actually dealing with a troll?

There are some tell-tale signs. I listed a few in my first post about this, but here those basics, plus some more:

1. Asks lots of questions, never really answers any. Then, demands that you answer their questions, even though you have already answered their questions.
   
2. Spouts unequivocal statements that are wildly speculative, but includes no facts to back up the statements.
3. Acts like an ASSHAT
   
4. Uses the phrase "I love cake" without proper context and/or irony.
   
5. States "I just like being contrary for its own sake" (h/t Moira)
6. Claims that they're not a anti-(fill-in-the-blank), but rather, anti-(fill-in-the-blank) (h/t Emily)
7. And the list goes ON and ON and ON
   

But I haven't really answered the question have I? How do you know if you're REALLY dealing with a troll? Cuz -- Trollz Can B Trickzy. Trollz Can B Falz.

Sorry to be so vague about this next bit of advice -- but essentially, you're going to have to rely on your own mad google skillz, your intuition, and your experience in determining whether a troll is a troll is a troll.

However -- I do have a suggestion -- in general, I advocate using an age-old native american women's tradition (especially when you are participating in a blog/board community where you have ongoing experience).

In some first-nations peoples, if a woman came to sit in council with other women, and she bitched about something, and then received advice from the other women, everyone would sit and listen/receive, then advise/counsel. The second time the woman came and bitched about the same thing, she would receive further counsel. However, if the woman came back a third time, bitched in the same way about the same thing, and had not acted upon the action that had been recommended, the other women in the circle would not say anything to her. They would, very respectfully and quietly, simply get up, move the circle over a few yards, sit down, and continue the circle. This, in the teaching I got, was called "moving the circle". It is not a message of "we hate you and you are bad" -- it's a message of "we've said everything we have to say to you -- what you choose next is up to you."

So, for me, one way to identify a troll (read "energy vampire") is to offer my opinion/answers/responses once -- twice -- and when they come back a third time with the same crap, I move away. Usually. Unless I'm just having fun and fucking with their heads (never a really good idea, I've discovered).

Step 2 -- Having identified a troll, how are YOU going to deal with it?

The topic of the "best" way to deal with a troll has been a subject of some debate. The conventional wisdom is "starve it to death" (which I generally concur with) -- don't answer it, don't respond to it, glance by its comments as if you have smelled a lethal lentil fart and move on to fresher air. In my opinion, once you have identified an individual troll (one that is not associated with a troll-mass), this is a good strategy, in my opinion . . . . . . UNLESS . . . .

You may post or comment on blogs or boards where the owner has an honest intent to allow freedom of speech (what a concept!) -- this blog is one of those. Yes, I do use "comment verification" (which some of my commenters despise -- -- and I don't blame them for despising it -- but hell, it does slow the process down, and prevents auto-bots from spamming my blog from afar without even bothering to take the time to get here, think for the moment it takes them to type in the verification, etc. -- before spewing complete dreck).

You may be frustrated by the fact that a blog author/administrator allows certain posts and comments to continue to exist upon their blog/board -- you might scream "Ban them! Burn them! Remove those trolls and their vile drivel! You're only giving them a platform and more exposure!" -- but think about this: If a blog moderator extirpated every entry you made that ever pissed them (or other people) off, how could any discussion of any remotely difficult topic continue in the blogging community?

Also -- Consider that the very presence of a troll's absurd and/or extreme statements may actually support your argument/stance via demonstration. That is one of the things that I appreciated about the One True Thread (h/t to Phydeaux fer that name, and no, I am not going to link to it again, for psychically hygienic purposes -- check this post for a link to the One True Thread) If anyone ever wanted a clear demonstration about the thriving existence of misogyny in present-day society, the comments from trolls on this thread prove it, for me, beyond a shadow of a doubt. (As we at the Lesbian Grand Council like to say -- "Thanks for all the fish!")

In my opinion, there are, basically, two pretty solid options when dealing with an individual troll:

1. Ignore the Troll. Starve the Troll. Don't respond to It at all. Ever. In Any Way. However -- if you don't have the emotional or mental discipline to accomplish this, then:
   
2. Have fun with The Troll (I'll be putting up a whole new post tomorrow on "How to Enjoy Trolls"). If you choose this second option, then, BY GOD -- CHOOSE IT! Don't entertain regrets later. Understand, from the get-go, that you are engaging with an irrational creature that wants your attention, and donate that attention passionately in a way that is truly enjoyable for you. If you don't have the emotional or mental discipline to accomplish this, then return to option 1!

You may have noticed that I emphasized "individual trolls" above -- this is because I distinguish Individual Trolls from Troll-Mass Events. I believe that Troll Mass Events (such as those found on the One True Thread) require completely different strategies, because of the different motivations of individual trolls and troll-collectives.

IME, an individual troll is generally someone who simply wants to affirm their existence by elucidating the response/reaction of others -- any others -- no matter what that response/reaction may be. I believe that individual trolls are sitting at their computers (all alone and feeling blue) and that they desire some outside validation that they still exist. I actually experience compassion for this, because I will confess that I love it when I open my browser in the morning and there is a comment on my blog, or someone has responded to a comment that I made elsewhere. However, I have a strong preference for connective and expansive feedback (even if this is feedback where someone is saying something that doesn't necessarily "agree" with my point of view -- as long as it is proffered in a manner which invites me to connection, I feel glad to connect). Trolls seem to want any response, whether it is connective or not -- like a child who is willing to throw a tantrum in order to get their parent's attention (whether positive or negative).

So, dealing with an individual troll by the starvation tactic listed above as option #1 is, I think, the most effective approach. Sort of like ignoring a child as they throw a tantrum (regardless of how much embarrassment you may experience as you stand in the cereal aisle at the local grocery while they do it -- and yes, I've been there, done that).

Troll-Mass Events (DDOS attacks, 4chan, etc.) seem, to me, to be something else entirely -- they seem to be engaged in an effort to affirm the strength or reality of a community, whether real or imaginary. Notice, in the One True Thread, how many times the trolls try to imply the multitudinousness (is that a real word?) of their community, and the exponential energy of their "group" -- they threaten dominance -- often by any means available. These trolls, in my opinion, are not seeking simple "reaction" to prove to themselves that they continue to exist -- they want to elucidate a sort of submission from others that validates their sense of "might" as a perceived community.

The first part of this scene from Breakfast Club comes to mind:

The irony is, I'm sure, from what they say (Oh, the femnsts R ohprssin me!) that the members of the troll-collective that I recently encountered would think of themselves as Bender, and me as Vernon, while I think of myself as Bender, and them as Vernon.

But -- hmmmm -- let's think about that for a moment. They claim that they are many, and claim that they have power (Vernon and the establishment of the school) and I claim that I am one and claim no power over them (Bender, the outcast). They represent oppressive power that has been in place for many centuries (Vernon), and I am the emerging thought daring to rebel (Bender). Hmmmmm.

It's all sooooo relative, nay? Because this same clip contains fat-phobic, sex-phobic, misogynist, classist, etc., etc., etc., content. Plus the added goodness of a description of child-abuse that is similar to that which I endured. "Did I stutter?"

OK -- I'll be back tomorrow with Part 2 "How to Enjoy Trolls", and Later, with Part 3 --"Troll and Troll-Collectives -- Distinct Strategies".

Posted byPortlyDyke at 10:33 AM 2 comments  

Labels: Teh Internet, Trolls, Video

People Are Strange

Well, isn't that WEIRD! My post on trolls brought out the first trolls I've ever had on my blog!

That's so WEIRD!

I know that I really, really, really promised that I'd be back with my antidote today, but it's not done yet.

I've been busy dealing with real life in the last 24 hours. What a refreshing concept!

For those of you who care to, please send some prayers/good-vibes/whatever you believe in -- to Phydeaux -- who is having a kitty-wandering-off experience. I've experienced this, and it sucks. I'm sending you big hugs, Phydeaux!

For those of you who have been watching, or were involved with, the One True Thread over at Shakespeare's Sister (I will not link to it here -- it's kind of like He Who Must Not Be Named, I think) -- I imagine that you are, like me, simply recovering. My best advice is: Lots of nice, hot baths (unless you are sweltering in hotter climes -- in which case, lots of nice, cold drinks and cold compresses) -- a thorough "brain rinse" (read something by Robert Frost, watch an episode of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, or chant something something like "People are really good at heart") -- and a brisk walk outside.

I must admit that the finale of that debacle left me feeling simply sad, sad, sad for the people who were posting the dreck at the end. What a lonely and desperate life they must be leading. I'm sad about that, to this moment.

I want to thank each and every one of you who have commented here on my little tiny blog. And I am experiencing great gratitude that I "know" you, if only in the tiniest way, through your words.

And to Namechanged -- well, I've been wrong before, so I'm not too worried. Here's to your oncoming daughter!

Posted byPortlyDyke at 12:17 AM 4 comments  

Labels: Teh Internet, Trolls

Troll Inventionz
Thursday, August 9, 2007

Today, I stood troll duty on a 500+ comment thread [update: Current Count 1225] Yes, it was exhausting (but also kind of fun, seeing how it was my day off and all). Yes, it was disgusting (because . . . .well, it's disgusting at times).

I leave this thread feeling only inspiration for a project I've been considering for a while now:

The Absolutely Fool-Proof Troll Antidote.

It's a far-fetched dream, I admit -- but in some way, just considering it has me feeling like Madame Curie. It's like the Holy Grail, Shangra-La, and Coronado, all wrapped up into one.

Downside: It's going to take me a day or two to invent it. Bummer.

Upside: It's a great topic for a QOD!

So, please readers, discuss (I will be listening and incorporating) -- what is the first sign that tips you off to a troll?

Some that I already have are:

1. Asks lots of questions, never really answers any.
2. Spouts unequivocal statements that are wildly speculative, but includes no facts to back up the statements.
3. Acts like an ASSHAT

I really really really really promise that I will be back tomorrow with an actual mechanism to deal with trolls. And I invite any of you to bookmark this post, and enter a comment onto it any time that you need help dealing with trolls. If I'm online, I'll respond.

*putting on my "inventing" hat, drawing the blinds*

(update: Read On About the Inventionz)

Portly Dyke

Posted byPortlyDyke at 8:39 AM 16 comments  

Labels: Humor, Teh Internet, Trolls

Be Right Back
Wednesday, August 8, 2007

I got like 45 minutes of sleep last night (I don't even want to go into the details now -- too tired). So I'm hittin' the hay early and I'll post early tomorrow AM.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 9:17 PM 0 comments  

Labels: Blogging

Finally -- Sunday School Comes in Handy!
Tuesday, August 7, 2007

OK, I have a confession to make: Not only was I raised as a Christian, which meant that I was forced to attend church every Sunday until I was confirmed at age 13, at which point it became my choice whether to attend church (which I did -- Missouri Synod Lutheran -- I even became the church organist for a time), then I became a "born-again" Christian at age 19 (at the urging of my first lesbian lover -- yeah, that's weird, but it gets weirder), and to this day, I actually have a soft spot in my head for the teachings of Jesus -- you know, the real teachings, like "Love one another", "the meek shall inherit the earth", "suffer the little children to come unto me", etc. -- THAT Jesus? Remember him?

Later in life, I explored some of my less-known religious heritage -- like the fact that my father's fore bearers (who had converted to Bible Baptist a long, long time ago) were actually practicing Jews at one point . I studied Hebrew because I wanted to know what the Old Testament really said, and because I was curious to know what my genetic ancestors had been reading (and so that I could converse in some halting way with a friend in Tel Aviv). Throughout all these wild and woolly forays, I was a dyke-dyke-dykey dyke, since I knew from 12 years of age that I was a big old queer.

So, I know the Bible (Old T and New T) pretty well. It was drummed into my head at "Vacation Bible School" while I sprinkled glitter onto my tongue-depressor crosses at age 5, it was railed at me from the ornate pulpit of my midwestern church throughout my "formative" years, it was crooned to me by my lesbo-lover after a vigorous session of muff-diving, and three bibles still inhabit my book-shelf to this very day:

1. My confirmation King James Version
   
2. An NIV gifted to me by my sister when maybe she thought I might actually repent and be saved --the fly-leaf inscribed "The covers of this bible are red -- it's hoped that what lies between them will be" (Isn't that cute?) -- AND
   
3. A gigantic interlinear Hebrew/Greek/Aramaic version (the only one I open now). It is large enough to qualify as a deadly weapon.

Suffice it to say that I knows me sum bible.

Until today, though, I hadn't really understood the Cosmic Plan for all this biblical absorption. Now, I have seen the Light, and Grokked the Purpose --

It was all part of the Creator's Divine Intention to Make Me Ready! . . .

. . . to deal with internet trolls.

On a couple of blogs that I read regularly, there have recently been recurrent appearances of comment trolls who spout things like: "You would all be fine and learn to love our glorious president if you just let the grace of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christs into your hearts and minds! . . . . . . Until you do, you suck."

It took me about two weeks to put it all together, but finally, G-d's Grace broke through to me -- I realized that I had been selected -- little old me -- to carry the Good Book into troll territory -- to recall all that I had studied and pondered over, and to hurl it with wild abandon under bridges everywhere -- yes, I have found My Way . . . My Path . . . My Dao.

So today, I began responding to my favorite "Holly Bibel" Troll simply by thanking it for reminding me to turn to the one source of real answers -- The BIBLE, and then citing an appropriate Bible verse for the situation at hand with the troll.

Luckily, the Bible has all the answers that you need -- no matter what position you are seeking to attack or defend.

Need to protest a war? Just try: Matthew 26:52 "Put your sword back in its place," Jesus said to him, "for all who draw the sword will die by the sword."

Need to defend a war? Well, just a couple of chapters back, we have: Matthew 24:6
"You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come."

See -- how cool is that?

It's like there's just one book that you can answer ANYTHING with -- Are you excited yet?

But wait, there's MORE!

The Bible is like the Popeil Pocket Fisherman! You can justify or denigrate nearly everything with this single volume! Self-righteousness and cosmic one-upsmanship has never been so easy!

You may be saying: "Hey Portly! I wasn't as privileged as you -- I didn't get a thorough, brain-numbing education in Bible studies from the time I could walk! I don't really understand the Bible -- it all seems so long and complex! How can I quote scripture if I'm taking it out of context and not really sure what it means?"

Don't worry -- the biblicul trolls you might deal with don't seem to understand it either -- they use the Bible this way all the time -- and if they can take a single passage, separate it from its entire surrounding text, and use it to browbeat another human being -- so can you!!
======
In all seriousness, I do think that the real Jesus rocks. He was a social activist (he advocated and intervened for the poor, down-trodden, and even whores) -- a rebel (which is probably why they killed him, unfortunately) -- anti-establishment (f*ck you, Pharisees! Rich people who care for no one else -- you're not gettin' into my heaven!) -- the real Jesus was a fucking radical.

So, maybe I'm a true Christian after all.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 11:54 PM 10 comments  

Labels: Religion, Spirituality, Xtians

TTDT -- The Final Day of the 30-day Angst Loss Challenge
Monday, August 6, 2007

Yes, my compatriots, it's been 30 days, and I have one last Portly Thing to Do Today for you -- check the list below, and see if one of your House or Senate Representatives is on it -- if they are, send them one ass-whupping letter about how pissed off you are about their gutless betrayal of the Constitution.

I'm going to go on a bit before I give you the list, just to give you a reminder of how completely possible it was for Congress not to pass the "Protect America Act". In the Senate, it needed a 3/5 vote to pass, and if the 30%!!! of elected Democratic senators who voted "yea" for this bill had remembered their constitutional oath and voted "nay", it would not have passed. Do you get that? But since such liberal luminaries as Feinstein and Inouye said "Fine Mr. President, have whatever you want", we now live in a country where warrantless wire-tapping of citizens is not only legal, but part of a plan to "protect" us.

If 17% of elected Democratic House Reps hadn't copped out, it wouldn't have passed in the House, either.

I think I explained a couple of weeks ago about why I don't give a lot of head-space to "politics" -- today only validated, for me, that this is a wise choice. Still, since the Congressional debacle has occupied so much space in my head for the past two days, I am going to be as good as my word and DO something. I'm going to write Patty Murray (one of my senators) and ask her why the fuck she didn't even bother to vote on this bill (the same question could be put to John Kerry and Barbara Boxer, by the way).

So, here's the list (by state)-- check and see if any of your representatives are now members of the "Bend Over, Citizen" Club. If they are, send them a diatribe (or three, or five).

"Democrats" in the House who voted Yea to "protect" America

Cramer (D - AL)
Davis (D-AL)
Ross (D- AR)
Snyder (D-AR)
Mitchell (D- AZ)
Costa (D-CA)
Salazar (D-CO)
Boyd (D-FL)
Barrow (D- GA)
Marshall (D-GA)
Boswell (D-IA)
Bean (D-IL)
Lipinski (D-IL)
Donnelly (D- IN)
Ellsworth (D-IN)
Hill (D-IN)
Chandler (D-KY)
Melancon (D-LA)
Peterson (D-MN)
Walz (D-MN)
Taylor (D-MS)
Etheridge (D-NC)
McIntyre (D-NC)
Shuler (D-NC)
Pomeroy (D-ND)
Higgins(D-NY)
Space (D-OH)
Wilson (D-OH)
Boren (D-OK)
Altmire (D-PA)
Carney (D-PA)
Herseth (D-SD)
Cooper (D-TN)
Davis (D-TN)
Gordon (D-TN)
Tanner (D-TN)
Cuellar (D-TX)
Edwards (D-TX)
Lampson (D-TX)
Rodriguez (D-TX)
Matheson (D-UT)

"Democrats" who voted Yea in the Senate to "protect" America

Lincoln (D-AR)
Pryor (D-AR)
Feinstein (D-CA)
Salazar (D-CO)
Carper (D-DE)
Nelson (D-FL)
Inouye (D-HI)
Bayh (D-IN)
Landrieu (D-LA)
Mikulski (D-MD)
Klobuchar (D-MN)
McCaskill (D-MO)
Conrad (D-ND)
Nelson (D-NE)
Casey (D-PA)
Webb (D-VA)

For more information on the voting record, including those who just couldn't find the time to vote on this bill (cause it's so trivial and all) -- see HERE.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 11:30 PM 4 comments  

Labels: angst-Loss, Politics, Progressives

I Do Everything I'm Not S'posed To Do

On purpose, even.

I smoke. I drink. I'm "fat" (from now on, I'm going to be using quotes around that word, because I think it's penultimately subjective, but according to the Holy BMI, I am F.A.T.). I don't "exercise" (likewise, "exercise" will be in quotes hereinafter, because I don't consider gardening, teaching, the ability to lift heavy objects, or sex as "exercise" -- even though these activities, for me, frequently involve heavy lifting, pushing, sweating, panting, pushing, groaning, grinding, thrusting . . . oh, you get the picture).

I curse. I blaspheme. I lose my temper. I whine.

I am a big old homo. I have consumed nearly every illegal drug that exists at one time or another.

I choose not to send birthday and christmas cards to my family of origin.

I let my leg hair and armpit hair grow without harvesting it.

I allowed my kids to watch TV, and play video games when they were growing up. I watch TV and play video games myself to this very day.

Clearly, I must be a menace to society.

I am a statistical anomaly -- according to "conventional wisdom", I should be, at the very least, rampantly unhealthy and unhappy, and at the most, dead -- but I'm none of these.

So much of status quo media and advertising seems to be concentrated on nailing down some formula for "health" (completely subjective), or some bomb-proof prescription for "happiness" (completely subjective), or the demarkation of some standard of "normalcy" (not even subjective -- non-existant -- normal never existed, and never will!) -- that it seems to me that many people that I know spend a great deal of time trying to figure out where they are on some farcical (and ever-shifting) scale of healthy/happy/normal, rather than spending much, if any, time figuring out where they actually are.

I was born in the 50's, an era which had its happy/healthy/normal prescription pretty much sewed up -- all you had to do was a) graduate from high school and possibly college, b) marry someone of the opposite gender, c) squirt out a couple of babies (if you were female) or get a job (if you were a male), d) buy a house, e) sell your soul to your employer for 40 years or so, then f) retire and prepare for your ultimate fate (nursing home, followed by Death).

Easy, right? And Oh-So-Satisfying!

Except it wasn't. Not for anyone that I have ever known, even amongst the biggest dispensers of this prescription -- my parents' generation.

For me, the prescription broke down when I realized that I was queer, and that Step B was going to be a bit tricky for me. Once I figured out that I hadn't, and probably never would attain Step B, and I was still healthy and happy, while my sister, who had followed the prescription to a "T" seemed both unhealthy and unhappy, I really started taking a second look at that prescription. That was back in the 70's.

What is shocking to me is how many smart, educated young people these days seem convinced that the 1950's protocol of School, Mate, Babies/Job, House, Retirement is actually viable. Even though it didn't really work for their parents, or their grand-parents. I'm struck by how many young parents I hear repeating the same old cants of "Well, you don't know how hard it is to stay home with the kids all day!/Well you don't know how hard it is to go out and work all day!" -- I mean, hasn't this been done to death, already?

I'm struck by how many parents who are my age or slightly younger, who snuck out to smoke pot, drop acid, and/or drink alcohol as teenagers are absolutely shocked and outraged when their now-teen-aged children do the same thing. ('Cuz, like, their own parents shock and outrage was such an effective antidote, and kept them from doing these things, right?)

It's just weird to me.

That's why I no longer follow the prescription that Mr. Socio-Cultural Wizard handed me in 1956, and I'm pretty wary any time I see some new prescription that guarantees health, happiness, and normalcy.

In the 1960's, everyone knew that margarine was "healthier" for you than butter. Except now it's not, because trans-fats will KILL you, and everyone knows that. In the 1960's, everyone knew that you needed to eat meat every day to get all your protein needs met. Except now you don't, because meat will KILL you, and everyone knows that. Except the Atkins people, who know that meat will not kill you, but Carbohydrates will KILL you. In the 1960's everyone knew that drinking 3 glasses of milk every day was an important part of the "nutrition pyramid". Except now, it isn't, because milk has fat, which will KILL you. Or maybe it is, because it has calcium, which will help keep you from being KILLED. Or maybe it isn't, because you're allergic to bovine dairy products, and your gut will swell up, which will KILL you.

One of the wonderful things about getting a bit older is this: You get to watch a lot of "science" tell you a lot of things about what will KILL you, and you get to look around for yourself and notice who's actually dead, and who is actually not dead.

Personally, I think the number one thing that will KILL you is being dead while you're still alive -- paying so much attention to crap that doesn't really fucking matter that you have no attention left for the things that do matter, or plastering your consciousness-windows with so much bullshit "science" (which in most cases is funded by food and drug companies with something to sell) that you can no longer see clearly into the world that you inhabit.

Facts: I'm a "fat", healthy, dyke, who enjoys tobacco, alcohol, red meat, video games, and television. I also read voraciously, breathe and get around just fine, thank you, have work that I enjoy and that people are happy to pay me to perform, and most importantly, am vibrantly alive, and "happier" than probably 90% of the people that I know or know of. Like I said, I'm a statistical anomaly.

I credit this to the moment I stopped paying attention to that man behind the curtain -- you know -- the one who was supposed to make everything all better?

That is all.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 1:24 AM 4 comments  

Labels: Fat, Queers, Spirituality, Truth, Very Personal Details

Camp Girl
Friday, August 3, 2007

I'm a pretty shitty photographer -- be warned about that -- but basically, words defy where I spent the last two days, so I'll just post the snaps and elaborate later. I was with the tree angels. For the really good images, I'll wait for my dad-in-laws photos -- in the meantime -- these are a few of the things I saw:

Posted byPortlyDyke at 11:38 PM 3 comments  

Labels: Blogging

Privilege -- Your Own Silent Super-Hero
Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Privilege.

If you're reading this on the internet, chances are you have it, in some respect.

Your privilege may be based on your (perceived) skin color, sexual orientation, class-status, gender, wealth, nationality, or a myriad of other factors. Your privilege may be based on your actual race, creed, or color -- or on your gender, cultural placement, or the happy "accident" of your country of birth.

The problem is that, until you actually interact with people who don't share your privilege-basis, any privileged status you may hold may be completely invisible to you.

Think of it as your own stealthy, invisible super-hero. By virtue of something you don't even notice, you may possess powers that other humans lust after, work for, attempt to purchase, or cannot even imagine.

Today I was reading a post at Shakespeare's Sister. Melissa McEwan closed the post with the line: "That's the difference between being a man and a woman. That's privilege."

I was amazed to find, in some of the comments to the post, that commenters that I usually find astute, aware, and intelligent actually seemed surprised by the findings cited in the study that spurred the post (yes, yes -- the post was about women and sexual harassment/assault -- one of "my" issues -- but lest you think I'm just being all whack-a-doodle feminista here, please try to stay focused -- my subject is "Privilege"). I was very disheartened that some of them seemed shocked to find that they possessed privilege that other people did not share.

I possess privilege. I'm white. I live in the USA. I am a university graduate.

And -- it took me a long time to understand that my foot-steps were constantly dogged by my unacknowledged privilege.

I was down-trodden, dontcha know! -- I was, after all, a lesbian, a woman, raised working-class -- there was always someone "above and beyond" me who was keeping me down. It was easy to focus on "Them" -- those privileged, lucky bastards/bitches -- rather than take a look at the ways in which I, simply by the seeming serendipity of my skin color or nationality, might also be unconsciously utilizing my privilege, or filtering experience through it -- and, consequently, playing deaf, dumb, and blind to the fact that my privilege exists, and that I rely on it every day to pave a smoother way for me in life.

There it is (my privilege) in that last sentence -- see? -- I can say "deaf, dumb, and blind" and pretend that this is just "an accepted phrase", and that everyone, including people who are actually deaf/hard-of-hearing, or dumb/speech-impeded, or blind/sight-impaired will "get" what I'm saying, and that I mean no offense. In truth, I mean no offense -- but this does not erase my privilege as a person who still possesses "normal" hearing in both ears, "normal" speech abilities, and "normal" sight.

So it is that one of my staunchest male allies might not have any idea that I deal with misogyny every day, --that, portly and dyke-ly as I may be at this point (which ostensibly would make me "unattractive" and "sexually undesirable"), I still board a bus with a sense of being "prepared" for possible harassment in a way that my ally does not.

So it is that I, a confirmed liberal, civil-rights advocate, and activist, might not have any real idea of what my liberal/advocate/activist sister or brother (whose skin color doesn't qualify them as "white") face as they do something as mundane as shopping in the grocery store of a small, mostly-white rural town (or a suburban "Whole Foods", for that matter).

This post was not just stimulated by a single read-of-the-day for me. It was augmented by reports that there is now a "dress-code" for White House touring groups, which prohibits, amongst other things, dreaded "sneakers", tank-tops, and mini-skirts (which we all know are a danger to our nation, right?), that anti-abortion activist haven't actually thought about what would happen to the women who have abortions if abortion were illegal, and that a huge number of politicians seem to think that they do not have to maintain any ethical standards, so we need to spend time and money legislating on that.

All of these reports, to me, reek of privilege, privilege, and more privilege. I'm going to stay with these "little" stories -- at this point, I don't even want to begin to touch on the effects of privilege on the incredibly dissociative and destructive wars that our privileged nation is carrying out or facilitating around the world.

I'll take what I think is the most mundane example: The White House Dress Code.

I honestly think that many people in my country -- the good old USofA -- land of opportunity -- could easily dismiss the dress code story as something insignificant. I think that many would simply say: "Well, big deal -- so you can't wear jeans to the White House? So, just dress up! Everyone has a pair of dress shoes and a pair of pants that aren't jeans."

Well, actually -- No.

There are real people in this country who own one pair of shoes. Many of them are poor children of poor working parents. When your choice at the thrift-store is between tough sneakers or jeans that are going to be daily wear until your kids outgrow them or dress shoes and pants that they're going to wear just in case they get invited to the White House, what do you think you would choose?

Yet being faced with this kind of choice is something that many, many, many people in our culture can't even imagine.

That's privilege.

It's the "can't even imagine" part that gives the hushed hero of privilege so much energy.

I can't imagine the oppression that I don't face. I can only ask people who endure that oppression about their experiences, and listen to their answers. Which means that I have to get up close with them, and open my fucking ears, rather than argue with them, or compare their situation with mine, or the situation of someone I know, or expound on some thesis or theory that makes me feel better as a person of privilege.

It's not always been easy for me -- because I wasn't able to see that damnable transparent crusader until someone pointed it out to me, and even then, I kicked and screamed and flailed and thrashed -- because I WAS AN ALLY, DAMMIT!

A long time ago, I asked a black friend what she thought was the best way for me to deal with my inculturated racism. She said: "This isn't just about racism. It's about everything-ism -- invite people who are different from you into your life -- not just invite them to dinner, or a party -- have them in your life, and be in their lives. If you want to deal with your racism, hon, there's one real quick way to do that -- hang around in real time with people of color often enough that you get called "n-lover" at least three times in public. You're going to see that your white privilege can be stripped from you mighty quick if you really involve yourself with people who are not white."

She then laughed and said: "When I started hanging out with you long enough that someone accused me of being a dyke, I knew I was starting to work some shit out."

IMO, there's only one way to fire your silent super-hero -- move into places and spaces where he shows up for you -- so that you can turn to that slippery mother-fucker, and say: "Look -- I realize you've protected me, and helped me down the line sometimes, but I really don't want your help anymore."

Of course, you can't fire someone you can't see. So start looking.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 1:00 AM 6 comments  

Labels: Homophobia, Privilege, Progressives, Racism, Sexism