Something You've Probably Done
Thursday, January 24, 2008

A warning before you read on -- this post is NSFW (not safe for work) -- if you work for anyone who is sex-phobic.

Me?

I work for myself -- and I'm not sex-phobic by any stretch of the imagination, so this post is not NSFW for me.

This post is about masturbation.

Like I said: Something you've probably done.

My astrological complex is: Gemini/Cancer Cusp, Sagittarius Moon, Scorpio Rising.

I could use that to "explain" the importance of sex in my life, but I don't think I need to. I like sex. I've always liked sex.

While there are some people who do not like sex (and by this, I mean people who genuinely do not like sex, as opposed to people who hate the idea of sex, or think that sex is dirty/bad/evil/wrong), and while I completely respect the proclivities of people who do not like sex, I think that there are many people who do like sex, but whose upbringing and cultural entrainment may have steered them away from a complete enjoyment of their own sexuality.

Hence, this post.

About masturbation.

When I was a teenager, Saturday mornings were the only real free time I had. Mon-Fri was School (or a Summer job), dinner, family/homework in the evenings, and Sundays mornings, there was Church to get up for, then more family. Thus, Saturday mornings were preferred masturbation time.

My mother thought I just liked to sleep late (yeah, as if).

As they say: "Practice makes perfect" -- so I did my level best to practice the art of self-pleasure. I also believe that my lovers benefited from my endless self-experimentation, so it's all good.

Please note the following video, and how it's "funny" because it's preposterous to us that people would be this completely frank and open about this uncomfortable subject -- "Playing in a One Man Show", "Engaging in Super-Safe Sex","Much Goo About Nothing", "Tugging the Vertical Smile", "Getting To Know Yourself" (or my personal favorite, courtesy of best-friend -- "Waving at the Pod") -- in short -- Wanking:


I've wanked in many times, spaces, and dimensions, with and without aids, alone and with others. Despite all social commentary to the contrary ("You wanker!", "What? Hole in your inflatable girlfriend again?", etc.) I think masturbation is a good thing, and I say that as a person in a completely satisfying sexual relationship with another human being.

Too often, in our culture, I think masturbation gets short shrift. It's the thing you're supposed to do only if you have no alternative ("alternative" being: sex with another human being). While making love/having great sex with another consenting human is fantastic, there are still times when some "quality time" with yourself and your genitalia can be just the thing.

It's odd to me that something that is so nearly-universal in humans is still the source of humor-through-shame.

Which is why I was glad that I found the following video clip.

When I first saw it, I was absolutely stopped in my tracks, and wondered if it could possibly be "real" -- however, I believe that most of the people on this clip are really doing what you think they're doing -- and the vulnerability of that astounded and still astounds me. This is one of the most amazing videos I've ever seen on the internet.

It's outrageously courageous, in my opinion, and I salute all the brave souls who participated.



Keep doing what you've probably done.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 11:54 PM 6 comments  

Labels: Humor, Sex, Truth, Very Personal Details, Video

If You Can Keep Your Head
Monday, January 14, 2008

. . . . when all about you are losing theirs . . . . .

Now there's a thought.

I've been watching various blogospheric conniptions lately, and I've found that I have hit one of those "blogging walls" that I stumble into from time to time.

I'm sure you know the feeling -- "Does any of this really matter?"

In the past few days, I've found that I'm more interested in what's happening in my real life than what's happening on my computer screen. I don't think that's a "good thing" or a "bad thing" -- I'm just noticing the cycles -- as this seems to come and go for me.

Of course, I think the recent alternating ball-cutting and pettitude of political candidates (did I really just say "recent"?) has put me off my internet feed a bit -- truth be known, I want to dope-slap the lot of them and say: "Hey! You claim to want to be elected supreme leader for an entire nation! Stop acting the Fool!!!!!"

Recently, I've noticed that I've been weighing my comments on threads with more careful consideration before hitting "publish"-- perhaps in response to what I perceive as a rash of hasty, ill-considered statements from people who I think should know better (*ahem* Democratic candidates). I'm wanting to be more thoughtful about what I pour into the stream of ones and zeros, 'cause it sure looks like there's already a surfeit of bile flowing.

I want the internet to inform me, and to provide me with an avenue to, hopefully, inform others -- and perhaps more importantly, to create a space for dialogue and connection. I don't want it to become a kiddy-pool full of poop.

I say all that in full knowledge that I've posted my share of rants, reamed my portion of troll-ass, and spouted off when it might have been better for me to keep my peace.

I'd name some of the threads that have given me digital indigestion, but I think that would just be adding poop to the pool.

As interesting as it can be to get all righteous-wrathy, it's actually pretty exhausting after a bit.

So today, I'm concentrating on "keeping my head" -- contributing my energy to the wild, wooly world of the internets tube in ways that are additive and expansive. It's challenging for me sometimes, but I believe that it can be done.

Since I'm having a blogging dry spell, I'd truly appreciate some suggestions from readers to help get me in gear again -- Any topics you'd like to hear my thoughts on? Anything you're dying to know about me? Any dangly bits I've left from other posts that are driving you crazy?

Just let me know -- I'll be over here, keeping my head.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 10:31 PM 5 comments  

Labels: Blogging, Poo in the Kiddie Pool, Truth

Missing Christmas
Sunday, January 6, 2008

The one thing I like about Christmas is this: People who pay attention to it (even in a marginal and non-religious way) tend to understand that it's a really good excuse to act more humane, if only briefly.

For this one day, and even sometimes in the weeks leading up to it, there's a bunch of people who get all emotional and squishy and generous and vulnerable and peaceful.

Even the people who spend Christmas feeling depressed and lonely are a sign of hope for me -- they seem to "get" at that time (if at no other), that this isn't how it's "supposed" to be -- and that there's no excuse for humans to be isolated.

I even know atheists who can't stand being alone at Christmas, and agnostics who will jump into the Christmas spirit by spreading their bounty to others -- even though they might not be able to explain to you exactly why they did so.

Which brings me to the one thing that I loathe about Christmas: After it's over, everyone -- even those who tout this holiday as the birthday of the "Prince of Peace", and go on about the "Reason for the Season" -- seems quite content to return to the status quo of "dog-eat-dog", "life is hard, then you die", and "every man for himself".

In my opinion, if there is a "miracle" attached to Christmas, it's the miracle of human beings realizing that they are quite capable of exercising their generosity muscles, developing their peace practice, and stretching/flexing their connection fibers.

I want that every day. Not just once a year.

I miss Christmas.

This post was inspired by this song, which has been a favorite of mine for 20 years, and brings me to tears every time I hear it:


Dedicated to Andrew Olmsted

Posted byPortlyDyke at 11:59 PM 4 comments  

Labels: Hope, Rampantly Mushy Stuff, Truth, Video

Portly Dyke's Guide to Things That Do Not Exist
Saturday, December 22, 2007

Posted byPortlyDyke at 12:00 PM 3 comments  

Labels: Advice, Freedom, Politics, Queers, Shakesville, Speaking Up, Truth, Xtians

A Modest Proposal: The Thorny Issue of Sexual Consent
Thursday, October 18, 2007

There's been a lot of discussion about what constitutes "consent" in terms of sexual encounters. Personally, I'm a strong proponent of just asking my sexual partner (even after we've been together for years) the simple question: "Do you want to have sex with me?"

Figuring out what to do after asking this question is a very easy If/Then statement:

IF Answer = "Yes", THEN *sex ensues*, ELSE *sex does not ensue*.

Now, when I've proposed this solution to rape-apologists some people, they have challenged my programming sequence with a very thorny "ElseIF" equation: "But what if she changes her mind in the middle of it and then accuses me of rape?" -- because according to these rape apologists people, this apparently happens all the time -- just every time you turn around, I guess (on some planet).

These rape apologists individuals also say that getting clear consent before gettin'-it-on is a "mood-killer", and one of them stated "unless a woman is chanting "Yes' over and over for hours without interruption . . . . any woman can then claim withdrawal of consent."

And that's when it hit me -- my fool-proof solution to the thorny issue of "consent":

1) Get a clear "yes" from your partner before engaging in sex AND 2) BECOME A BETTER LOVER

See, I've never really thought of it as a problem if my lover was chanting (or screaming) YES! YES! YES! "over and over for hours without interruption" during sex. ("Don't Stop!" and "Keep doing whatever it is you're doing!" also do not disturb me in the slightest.)

In fact, this situation has been so common for me that I had simply assumed that it was par for the course.

You may be wondering: "But PortlyDyke -- How do I become a better lover?"

So here are PortlyDyke's Quick Tips for Better Consensual Sex:

1. ALWAYS get consent from the other person(s) involved before engaging in sex. Awkward as it may sound, I have found that most people who want to have sex with me actually enjoy being asked. (I still ask my partner of many years, and y'know what? -- it tickles her pink! -- no pun intended) Yes, this means that you may have to deal with the inconvenient fact that your prospective partner is too drunk/unconscious to either comprehend your question or answer you -- but in that case --DO NOT PROCEED. See? Isn't that simple?

2. If, at any time during the sexual engagement, your partner says "Stop", "No", "Don't" -- then stop, no, DON'T! If your partner resists you physically -- stop, no, don't. Immediately. DO NOT PROCEED. (There are some exceptions to this rule if you are engaging in consensual S/M, but if you're playing those games without talking it over first and employing "safe words", you deserve whatever fallout you get, AFAIC.)

3. Now here's where the "better lover" part comes in -- If, at any time, you perceive that your partner looks uncomfortable, apathetic, disinterested/disengaged about what's going on, stop and ask them questions like: "Are you enjoying this? Is there something else you want?", etc.. Then listen to their responses and take creative, consensual action on what you hear. I suppose that having apathetic, listless sex may be a turn-on for some people, but if you want to hear that resounding and enthusiastic consent (YES! YES! YES! over and over for hours without interruption), then continuing without enthusiastic response maybe isn't such a great strategy in terms of building your sexual mojo. Jus' sayin'.

(On a totally serious note -- if you are having sex with a stranger, and both of you aren't sober or conscious enough to at least have a coherent talk about STDs and birth control before you make the beast with two backs or commence with the muff-diving/sword-swallowing -- maybe you should consider exchanging phone numbers, going home alone, and having a nap. Seriously.)

Posted byPortlyDyke at 3:17 PM 10 comments  

Labels: Bad Behavior (Others), Consent, Feminism, Rape Culture, Sex, Trolls, Truth, Very Personal Details

Do. Not. Even. Get. Me. Started. -- OR -- Harnessing Outrage
Thursday, September 20, 2007

Do not even get me started on some shit, cause you can't finish the fury I have.

I will now parse a sweeping generalization, using my mad programming skillz:

IF:
You're reading this blog and your head is not exploding because you think I'm a perverted, radical danger to society.
ANDIF:
You follow the mainstream media on a daily basis.
THEN:
Regardless of your race, color, creed, political party, or gender/sexual orientation, you probably feel really pissed off at least once a week by something in the "news".

Currently, I'm pissed off that the Atchison story still hasn't made the "top story" page of Google News, even though the perp attempted suicide in his cell this morning. Very pissed off.

In truth, though, I've been pissed off at the MSM with such frequency since the turn of the millennium (probably even longer) that I worry that I'm simply getting used to it.

Human beings are incredibly adaptable. A teacher of mine once said: "The mind can make 'normal' out of anything". I have found that this is true, and it is sometimes a little scary to me how quickly we can come to accept something that would have had us foaming at the mouth in the past.

Case in point: The "Homosexuality is a Danger To Society" Meme. I had the privilege to come out as a lesbian in the late 70's. During that period of time, and throughout most of the 80's, this meme, while still present in fundamentalist and ultra-conservative circles, was generally recognized as an ultra-conservative stance in the MSM, and in most forms of public discourse.

If Ann Coulter had called Al Gore "a total fag" on NBC in 1985, my guess is that there would have been a shit-storm of protest. Last year, it was pretty much just a blip on the screen.

The mind can make normal out of anything.

Thing is, I don't want to "make normal" out of institutionalized homophobia, racism, or misogyny. I don't want to "make normal" out of rape, child abuse, war, famine, crumbling infrastructure, or plain old intentional cruelty.

I do not want to just accept that "that's the way things are". Furthermore, I will not accept it.

I, for one, do not believe that human beings, as a species, are "getting worse", or that cruelty, disregard for the rights of others, and oppression are just "human nature". I know too many wonderful, smart, committed to human beings to draw that conclusion. I know too many fabulous homo sapiens who are kind and loving in spite of the abuse the world has dealt them. In fact, of all the bones I have to pick with "organized" Christianity (and they are many), I think that the concept of Original Sin may actually be the biggest.

Frankly, I resent the MSM for continually portraying my species as an assortment of slime-balls who just can't help themselves. I don't deny that slime-balls exist, and in truth, I do want to know where they are, and what they are doing, but I want those stories presented in the following light: This is unacceptable. This is NOT "just human nature". This is not just "the way things are". This is an individual making a choice to act in a way that is un-just/cruel/dis-respectful, and we will put a stop to it.

And I want equal time for the love, the kindness, the intelligence, and the grace of "humans behaving goodly".

I think I have a legitimate beef with the MSM. See, I really wouldn't mind if the MSM had big banners and slogans that said: "All the News That Will Scare the Crap Out of You and Make You Wish You Could Teleport to Another Planet!" or "We Just Want to Sell Some Shit!"

It's when I read (or hear, complete with tump-tumpta-tumptaaa-ta! theme music) slogans like "We're On Your Side!" or "All the News YOU need!" or "Your ONLY source for fair and balanced news coverage!" that I turn into a cranky bitch from hades.

Because I believe that if you say you are going to do something, people have a right to hold you to account for it.

What's at the top of the Google News reports as I type this: The Senate has voted to condemn MoveOn.org (#1), and "Democratic Bundler Charged with Fraud". I have yet to read a single article that cites the fact that John DR Atchison is a Republican. I have yet to read a single article on the top stories page about this US Justice Dept. attorney who not only broke the very laws he is supposed to be prosecuting, but did it in a way that is so shocking that even the most conservative conservative could not defend it.

I will harness my outrage. I will protest, and write emails and letters, and I will confront my brother-in-law every single time I hear something homophobic come out of his mouth. I will stop to help people who need help, and I will not spend money at businesses who support the MSM to slant the news.

I will not "make normal" out of this.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 3:05 PM 2 comments  

Labels: Mainstream Media, Rape Culture, Truth

In Case You Had a Single Illusion Left
Tuesday, September 18, 2007

About the Mainstream Media, Check out my Googles from this morning:



First, the smashing coverage of the John Kerry tasering incident.

452 articles! Way to chase a story, MSM!

And then the coverage on the Republican Attorney from the Pensacola US Justice office who arrived in Detroit with a Dora the Explorer doll, hoop earrings, and a jar of vaseline, planning to rape a 5 year old girl.

21 articles. Hmmm.

Note that the headlines do not ever use the word "rape", opting for the kinder, gentler term "child sex".
Note to MSM: It is impossible to "have sex" with a five year old. It is always rape. Always.

This story doesn't appear in "top stories" -- I had to dig for it within Google News. Before the arguments begin about how this does not represent slanted coverage by the MSM, let me just pre-refute them:

Anticipated Argument #1: "But Kerry is a main player. Atchison is a nobody attorney from Florida. Of course the story isn't going to get the same coverage!"

Refutation: Bullshit. "Nobodys" who are involved with child molestation make the Top Stories page all the time. Even more so if they are people of color, or poor, or uneducated, or mentally ill.

And as far as what the MSM considers "important news" -- today, a story about a city manager who got lost while hiking was more of a "top story" than the fact that a fucking representative of our justice department was arrested for coldly calculating to rape a child.

Anticipated Argument #2: "But he hasn't been convicted. Innocent until proven guilty is a part of what makes our country great!"

Refutation: Tell that to the prisoners in Guantanamo.

Anticipated Argument #3: "It was entrapment."

Refutation: Don't even start that shit with me. And while you're busy shutting the fuck up, take a look at the "cheerleading" program at the youth group that he helped with.

Based on recent experience, I think that the Republican party should be stripped of its right to use the phrase "Family Values" ever again, in any context.

Regular readers here will know why this particular story strikes close to home for me. I hope this man is put in prison for the rest of his life. However, I also hope that there is massive media coverage of it, because it highlights something I've always known: While the MSM rants on about sex offenders in the community and Cosmopolitan magazine warns us of the 5 places that sexual predators search for women, the same media ignores the fact that one of the most dangerous places for children to be is probably with some "upstanding" guy who constantly touts his family values, publicly and politically, and who is trusted because he is in a position of authority and adheres to a political party that claims the mantle of moral rectitude.

I noticed that when Melissa blogged about this over at Shakesville yesterday, there was suddenly a flock of commenters that I had never seen before. If they show up here, I'll consider that they are Republican flacks madly searching for Atchison references to hush up.

This is a rape scandal that conservatives cannot possibly justify with "entrapment" arguments, or ridiculous bullshit about being afraid of black men in the park -- its a crime so heinous that they must simply try to get us to ignore it. (Check out the "Look! A kitty!" tactics that were attempted over on the Shakesville thread.)

Try it over here, and I will go all avenging angel on your ass.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 10:30 AM 3 comments  

Labels: Mainstream Media, Rape Culture, Truth

I Do Everything I'm Not S'posed To Do
Monday, August 6, 2007

On purpose, even.

I smoke. I drink. I'm "fat" (from now on, I'm going to be using quotes around that word, because I think it's penultimately subjective, but according to the Holy BMI, I am F.A.T.). I don't "exercise" (likewise, "exercise" will be in quotes hereinafter, because I don't consider gardening, teaching, the ability to lift heavy objects, or sex as "exercise" -- even though these activities, for me, frequently involve heavy lifting, pushing, sweating, panting, pushing, groaning, grinding, thrusting . . . oh, you get the picture).

I curse. I blaspheme. I lose my temper. I whine.

I am a big old homo. I have consumed nearly every illegal drug that exists at one time or another.

I choose not to send birthday and christmas cards to my family of origin.

I let my leg hair and armpit hair grow without harvesting it.

I allowed my kids to watch TV, and play video games when they were growing up. I watch TV and play video games myself to this very day.

Clearly, I must be a menace to society.

I am a statistical anomaly -- according to "conventional wisdom", I should be, at the very least, rampantly unhealthy and unhappy, and at the most, dead -- but I'm none of these.

So much of status quo media and advertising seems to be concentrated on nailing down some formula for "health" (completely subjective), or some bomb-proof prescription for "happiness" (completely subjective), or the demarkation of some standard of "normalcy" (not even subjective -- non-existant -- normal never existed, and never will!) -- that it seems to me that many people that I know spend a great deal of time trying to figure out where they are on some farcical (and ever-shifting) scale of healthy/happy/normal, rather than spending much, if any, time figuring out where they actually are.

I was born in the 50's, an era which had its happy/healthy/normal prescription pretty much sewed up -- all you had to do was a) graduate from high school and possibly college, b) marry someone of the opposite gender, c) squirt out a couple of babies (if you were female) or get a job (if you were a male), d) buy a house, e) sell your soul to your employer for 40 years or so, then f) retire and prepare for your ultimate fate (nursing home, followed by Death).

Easy, right? And Oh-So-Satisfying!

Except it wasn't. Not for anyone that I have ever known, even amongst the biggest dispensers of this prescription -- my parents' generation.

For me, the prescription broke down when I realized that I was queer, and that Step B was going to be a bit tricky for me. Once I figured out that I hadn't, and probably never would attain Step B, and I was still healthy and happy, while my sister, who had followed the prescription to a "T" seemed both unhealthy and unhappy, I really started taking a second look at that prescription. That was back in the 70's.

What is shocking to me is how many smart, educated young people these days seem convinced that the 1950's protocol of School, Mate, Babies/Job, House, Retirement is actually viable. Even though it didn't really work for their parents, or their grand-parents. I'm struck by how many young parents I hear repeating the same old cants of "Well, you don't know how hard it is to stay home with the kids all day!/Well you don't know how hard it is to go out and work all day!" -- I mean, hasn't this been done to death, already?

I'm struck by how many parents who are my age or slightly younger, who snuck out to smoke pot, drop acid, and/or drink alcohol as teenagers are absolutely shocked and outraged when their now-teen-aged children do the same thing. ('Cuz, like, their own parents shock and outrage was such an effective antidote, and kept them from doing these things, right?)

It's just weird to me.

That's why I no longer follow the prescription that Mr. Socio-Cultural Wizard handed me in 1956, and I'm pretty wary any time I see some new prescription that guarantees health, happiness, and normalcy.

In the 1960's, everyone knew that margarine was "healthier" for you than butter. Except now it's not, because trans-fats will KILL you, and everyone knows that. In the 1960's, everyone knew that you needed to eat meat every day to get all your protein needs met. Except now you don't, because meat will KILL you, and everyone knows that. Except the Atkins people, who know that meat will not kill you, but Carbohydrates will KILL you. In the 1960's everyone knew that drinking 3 glasses of milk every day was an important part of the "nutrition pyramid". Except now, it isn't, because milk has fat, which will KILL you. Or maybe it is, because it has calcium, which will help keep you from being KILLED. Or maybe it isn't, because you're allergic to bovine dairy products, and your gut will swell up, which will KILL you.

One of the wonderful things about getting a bit older is this: You get to watch a lot of "science" tell you a lot of things about what will KILL you, and you get to look around for yourself and notice who's actually dead, and who is actually not dead.

Personally, I think the number one thing that will KILL you is being dead while you're still alive -- paying so much attention to crap that doesn't really fucking matter that you have no attention left for the things that do matter, or plastering your consciousness-windows with so much bullshit "science" (which in most cases is funded by food and drug companies with something to sell) that you can no longer see clearly into the world that you inhabit.

Facts: I'm a "fat", healthy, dyke, who enjoys tobacco, alcohol, red meat, video games, and television. I also read voraciously, breathe and get around just fine, thank you, have work that I enjoy and that people are happy to pay me to perform, and most importantly, am vibrantly alive, and "happier" than probably 90% of the people that I know or know of. Like I said, I'm a statistical anomaly.

I credit this to the moment I stopped paying attention to that man behind the curtain -- you know -- the one who was supposed to make everything all better?

That is all.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 1:24 AM 4 comments  

Labels: Fat, Queers, Spirituality, Truth, Very Personal Details

TTDT -- Be Prepared to Speak Your Truth
Wednesday, July 18, 2007

I think we've all had the experience. Someone -- perhaps someone we know, love, or expect something different from -- says something, right in front of us, that we find so offensive, ignorant, discriminatory, and/or demeaning-- that we are absolutely flabbergasted.

Example: My mother (the woman who used to be all liberal and shit -- who taught me that racism was a really bad thing) says to me, during a phone call, of the Somalian refugees who are now living in her small town: "Well, they all look alike you know!"

Example: My co-workers, who work every day with my white boss (who happens to be married to a black man), and seem to love and respect her, wait until she, and every person of color, is out of the room before they exclaim over the picture of her new daughter: "Oh, thank goodness -- she's so light!"

These are only two of many (personally-experienced) examples -- examples of speech that I recognized, in the moment, as absolutely, positively, unvarnished racism-in-action.

When I heard these statements, I didn't wonder in my head (as I often do, when I receive or overhear a fat-phobic or homophobic comment, however overt) -- "Am I just being sensitive because this is 'my' issue?" I knew immediately that these comments were offensive, ignorant, discriminatory and demeaning.

Yet, in both of the examples above, I was utterly flummoxed at the moment. I did not make an immediate response. I did not speak my truth in the moment, and I lived with regret about that afterward, stewing for days and days about what I should have done in the moment, regardless of what action I took later.

In the first example with my mom, at that moment, I remember that I stammered -- my dad, lingering on the extension phone, jumped in for a quick recovery, changed the subject, and ended the phone call within the next 60 seconds.

In the second example with my co-workers, my jaw actually dropped -- I simply stared, speechless, at them over the picture of this beautiful child, and before I could think of what to say, they had already slunk away to their respective work-stations, and left me standing alone in the break-room.

In both of these encounters, and in many others -- like "Joe" (Vs. the Volcano), as he quits his "job" -- I found my mind whirling around this phrase:

"I should say something."

In truth, however, at each of these moments, I had no idea what to say. While I tried to catch my breath, my brain was, no doubt, busy calculating the risks of possible confrontation, the likelihood of effecting change in the situation, and the emotional and energetic cost of engaging with someone who could say "something like that" while I was a) totally pissed off/triggered, b) uncertain whether I ever wanted to talk to them again, and c) totally pissed off/triggered.

Would I/Should I? --

1. Launch into an educational diatribe about the heinous results of racism, whether intentional and practiced, or unconscious and entertained?
2. Simply say, in measured tones: "I can't believe you just said that," and stalk away, clothed in my outrage, hoping that they would understand what had offended me?
3. Raise my voice to match the intensity of my emotional response and emphatically state: "That is a racist comment, and I won't stand for it!" and hope that someone might actually have the guts to meet me in the crucible where my personal activation was swirling with a global human issue?
4. Shout with all my might: "You fucking hypocritical turd(s)!", and refuse to deal with them until they apologized?

I've actually done all of those things, in other situations. I haven't found them to be tremendously successful in effecting the change I want to make in the world.

Here are two of the most effective consciousness-changing actions I've ever taken (the first of which I wouldn't have even thought about if I hadn't answered a QOD at Shakesville the other night):

Action #1: Dark theater, 1995. Showing of "Higher Learning" in a cinema located in a well-known liberal west coast city. Audience of 200 or more, mostly urban, well-educated folk.

The movie is all about oppression, and the audience seems to be following along, getting the gist of it all -- until, HORRORS! -- there's a (minuscule -- like maybe three seconds, tops) lesbian kissing scene-- at which groans, retching noises, and choruses of "oh gross!" break out in the theater. I am stunned for a moment.
I can't believe what I'm hearing.

Then, somehow, without thinking, I say, calmly, in a voice just loud enough to be heard throughout the theater: "I'm a lesbian." The place goes dead fucking silent.

The woman next to me fidgets throughout the rest of the movie, but the woman who is in a seat two rows in front of me sits through the credits, as I do, and when the theater is all but empty, and I am leaving, she touches my arm, and asks: "Was it you who said that?" -- "Yes," I answer (after looking around to see who might be waiting to beat the crap out of me).

"Thank you for saying that," she says.

Action #2: I am leaving my brother's second wedding with my mom and dad. They are taking me to the airport. It's a long drive.

On the way, parental units are ripping my new sister-in-law a new asshole. I have no idea why, really.

I suspect they're really mad at my brother, for ruining the "no-divorce" streak that our branch of the family had maintained for a couple of generations, but they're ripping on the new wife, not my brother. I first engage in an educational manner, trying to appeal to "reason" -- but they're having none of it.

Finally, I said: "You know, when I hear you talk like this, I wonder what you say about me, when I'm not here."

Then there is a long, uncomfortable silence, which does not seem to portend any great shift of consciousness.

A year later, my dad takes me aside, and tells me that he remembered what I said, and has thought (and acted) differently about gossiping or complaining about people in the family, ever since.

The commonality in these two actions, I believe, was my willingness to be vulnerable in the moment.

I usually find it much easier to speak up and out on behalf of others -- to protest and confront racism, trans-phobia, hetero-phobia, religious intolerance for religions that are not my own, etc., etc. -- than it is for me to directly confront fat-phobia, homo-phobia, or misogyny, or any of the "isms" that are focused at me directly.

I think this has to do with the fact that I have a suspicion/understanding that it is actually possible for me to see things and hear things through a very subjective filter that may, or may not, provide me with an accurate view of what has just happened. (Shorter Portly Dyke: I don't trust myself.)

I spent several decades of my life perpetually pissed off -- not without reason, mind you -- but, in retrospect, I believe that there was a period during I was actually addicted to my anger -- I became more loyal to my rage than to my reason, and more attached to my identity as an oppressed person/victim than to my desire or motivation to effect change.

So, now, I keep a sharp eye on my RighteousWrath-O-Meter, especially when responding to issues that strike close to the bone for me.

I don't have judgment about feeling mad -- I think that the energy of this emotion can be (and wants to be) transformed into action very effectively. I believe that feeling "pissed off" is telling me something (but probably nothing that feeling "slightly irritated" wasn't telling me, long before I registered being pissed off).

However, I haven't found pedantic lectures, icey walk-outs, or incendiary spews to be necessarily effective.

The one thing that I have actually found to be effective is: My truth. How I feel in the moment.

I wish now that, when my mom had said that, I had responded immediately with: "Mom. I feel sad and mad when I hear you saying that. It doesn't seem to fit for me with what I've heard you say about judging people by their skin color." (Because that's what I thought when I heard it.)

I wish now, that, when my co-workers said what they did, I had responded immediately with: "I feel very bad, and very sad right now. I have the sense that I've just been included in a 'whites only' conversation, and I don't want to be a part of that. I feel scared to even say this, because I think that if I say it, you'll start treating me like you just treated our boss -- waiting for me to leave the room to say what you really think."

This post was inspired by two things:

1. Thorn's posts at Shapely Prose. Reading her story, with all the "messy" vulnerable feelings included, brought me closer to her experience, and helped me to commit again to speaking up in the moment when I witness or experience oppression.
2. An experience that I had recently, where the power of telling a personal story of my own, and including the emotional content, without trying to look all "cool", shifted a conversation/conflict dramatically.
   

So here's the TTDT:

Be prepared to speak your truth -- not "the" truth, and not some "prepared statement". Your truth, in the moment.

Be smart, witty, whatever you will -- but also -- Remember to tell people how you feel -- describe your emotions and experience -- not just the feeling of being mad/angry/rage-full, but also the sadness, the feeling of being scared to speak up, the fear of being "thrown out" or discounted, or simply the dissonant twang that arises when something has been said and you haven't yet figured out, intellectually, what exactly is bugging you about it.

You may be thinking: "Well, they don't care how I feel -- if they did, they wouldn't say what they said!"

Just try it. Try a bit of vulnerability. Sure, they may go for your throat. But hell, if they're as bad as you are projecting them to be, they're going for your throat anyway.

I'm going to be working with this through the next week.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 10:35 PM 5 comments  

Labels: angst-Loss, Fat, Homophobia, Politics, Progressives, Racism, Truth

The Bless-ed Balm of Truth
Monday, July 2, 2007

I had this great post in my head last night, all about the wash of relief I experienced after reading some great posts over at Shakespeare's Sister on the rather transparent attempts by the MSM to continue the Campaign to Terrorize America, and how important it is that each of us resist these attempts.

Today, after reading the news about Scooter Libby's commutation, I almost got dismal enough to abandon hope and put my post aside.

However, I think that today's events only heighten my sense of how crucial this issue really is.

The constant hammering of the MSM's message that the world is a "dangerous" place, that our families are in peril every moment, and that the "others" (and they are legion, those "others" -- other races, other religions, other genders, other orientations) are out to get "our" stuff, "our" jobs, "our" nation, "our" values -- this barrage of crap is, in my opinion, simply designed to turn the viewer/reader/listener into a paranoid, dis-empowered, quivering mass of paralyzed inertia.

And I'm not buying it.

In my own life, I've worked with a number of strategies to handle "MSM Infections"

I've gone on hard-core "media fasts".

I've listened to/watched/read MSM, but only while I played "Death and Destruction Bingo" (a game where you make a hash-mark on your score card every time the announcer uses a word like "crisis", or "mayhem", or "tragedy", or "threat").

I invented Death and Destruction Bingo in 1999, while listening to a radio report about a plane crash in which there was no suspicion of a bombing. While reporting this, the newscaster managed to say the word "bomb" over 45 times in a five-minute report. Just so -- you know -- we wouldn't be worried that there was a bomb on the plane.

Capitalizing on "Bad News" is nothing new for mainstream newspapers, radio, or television news. However, in the "olden days", I was always told "Don't believe everything you read in the papers, kid."

Last summer, my Dad said to me "Well, you know we're already in World War III".

"Really?" I replied, "Where'd you hear that?"

"It was on the radio," he replied.

Wow. This from the guy who told me: "Don't believe everything you read in the papers, kid."

A spiritual teacher once pointed out to me that, although we are constantly told how much more violent, and awful, and horrible our world is today, if we looked back a mere 60 years and compared it at a purely logical level:

• 1942 -- World War II involved nearly every nation on the planet (only 8 nations were actually considered true "neutrals") -- Casualties conservatively were figured at 61 million people (probably more like 72 million), and the majority of people on the planet were actually feeling pretty consolidated about the idea that this war must be fought.
  
• 2002 -- According to Wikipedia, there are currently 29 ongoing armed conflicts going on in the world. War death-rates globally for the years 1998 - 2002 are estimated at 1.5 million according to the Human Security Report. And the majority of people on the planet are actually feeling pretty consolidated about the idea that war, in general, is a stupid fucking waste of resources and lives.

The point that the teacher made was that these statistics would seem to indicate that we are becoming less violent, rather than more violent. He also pointed out that, on the streets of the town where I currently reside -- 100 years ago people walked down the street with loaded guns on their hips, 50 years ago, people beat their children in public, and 25 years ago, apartheid still existed in South Africa.

Actually, I encourage you to go and take a good long look at the Human Security Report. It's a refreshing view from someone other than the MSM -- to me, it's all about the reality of our evolution as a species.

Supposition: If humans were just vile, destructive, nasty creatures, and if our population had tripled since 1950, then wouldn't it stand to reason that our vileness, destructiveness, and nastiness would have grown exponentially as well?

You probably know by now that I am a pacifist and an advocate of non-violence. I think one tiny bit of war is too much -- I want the troops out of Iraq right now -- all of them. I don't post this to encourage you to become complacent, or accept the 1.5 million deaths that have occurred as an acceptable ratio just because it speaks to a possible proof of our collective spiritual evolution. I just wanted to provide another perspective here -- one that flies in the face of the attempts of the media machine to terrorize you.

I believe that the MSM would really love for you to believe that your neighbor is dangerous, your neighboring nation is dangerous, and that planet over there is dangerous. I believe that the MSM would really like you to believe that you are fucked no matter what you do -- that you are an insignificant, ineffective bit of flotsam floating on the tide of "circumstances beyond your control".

I don't believe it though. I want to encourage you not to believe it either. I agree with William Wolfrum -- it's time for America to deal with it's fear addiction.

My new motto: Fear -- Just Say No.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 7:42 PM 3 comments  

Labels: Consciousness, Hope, Institutional Memory, Media Lies, No More Fear, Politics, Truth