Pessimism is Easy . . .
Thursday, March 20, 2008

. . . . except, in the long run, it's not, actually.

(*WARNING!!!! Please don appropriate "Receiving A Portly-Dyke Lecture" garb now! I am consciously not going to be using my usual "in my opinion/experience", or "I think that . . . " language during this post.*)

Pessimism is easy -- in terms of Group-Support.

You're actually quite likely to find a lot of people who will happily join you in bitching, moaning, complaining, snarking, and whinging, and who will enthusiastically support you to bitch, moan, complain, snark, and whinge.

You may also gain some bonus "cool-and-arty" points by being incredibly, over-the-top pessimistic (but you're going to have to work very hard at this, as generalized Pessimism seems to have become the Order of the Day).

Pessimism is easy in the "making an effort" department, too -- because if "Life sucks, then you die" and "The world is going to shit and that's just how it is" -- then you are relieved of any responsibility to change anything -- including yourself-- because after all -- What's the use?

Pessimism is easy . . . . until . . . .

Until you have children, or an incredible idea for your new business, or you fall in love . . . . or you realize that maybe, just maybe, you might actually want to go on living, after all -- for whatever reason.

I'm not a Pollyanna by any stretch of the imagination.

I've seen my share of shit in half a Century.

However, I'm really, truly, and completely sick of hearing people conflate "pessimism" with "realism" as follows:
"I'm just being realistic! Human beings are fucked up!!"

Bullshit. I call bullshit to this.

Yeah, I've experienced my share of asshole-ish behavior from human beings, but if I'm really, truly, scientific and logical about my personal statistics, I've had my ass pulled out of the flames by other humans way more often than I've had my ass plunged into the flames by them.

That's just a statistical fact of my life -- and to say anything different is . . . . is . . . . just unrealistic.

I'd be all about Teh Pessimism . . . . if it had ever accomplished anything -- if it had actually saved me from heartbreak (which it didn't), or prepared me for a crisis (which it didn't), or changed the world (which it hasn't).

Face the facts.

Be realistic.

If you really, truly believed that your economy/relationship/town/country/species/world/universe
was simply going down the tubes and there was nothing you could do to stop it, you actually wouldn't get out of bed tomorrow -- you wouldn't take your anti-depressants -- you wouldn't be considering looking for a lover/partner, or thinking about having children, or looking for a job, or ruminating about whether to change jobs, or wondering about what you might eat for dinner later tonight or for breakfast tomorrow, or pondering what to post on your blog, or whether you should start a blog . . .

. . . and if you really, truly believed: "Life sucks, then you die" -- you sure as hell wouldn't be reading this fucking blog!

See, I don't think that pessimism is really all that easy -- I think it actually takes a lot of energy to squelch that amazingly persistent: "But . . . but . . . I want to Live!" impulse that seems to spring eternal in the human breast.

I do think that Pessimism is lazy (lots of peer-support, no personal action required).

And dishonest. ("I'm going to bitch and moan as if this stuff matters to me while simultaneously acting as if it doesn't matter to me because it's pointless and we're all going to hell in a handcart.")

And ultimately -- Pessimism is ineffective. (Point me to a single thriving and sustainable culture that was firmly and consciously based in Pessimism, and I promise that I won't get out of bed ever again.)

I'm not advocating for some kind of Shiny-Happy-People-Holding-Hands form of Optimism here. I'm not going all Dr. Pangloss on your ass.

In fact, I'd like to throw the whole Pessimism/Optimism dichotomy right out the fucking window.

It has become so mired with the notion of some perverse warfare between black-clad nihilists smoking cigarettes under street lamps and appliquéd-jumper-clad moms sharing recipes at the park that it is now virtually inoperative as a structure for meaningful philosophical discussion. (And for that, Leibniz and Schopenhauer can be karmically consigned to meet each other again and again and again and again and again on the eternal-blind-date-from-hell, as far as I'm concerned.)

Instead, I want to look at what really works to do what it claims it wants to do.

I don't care if you call "expecting the worst": Pessimism, or a host of other names.

I don't care if you call "expecting the best": Optimism, or a host of other names.

I'm advocating expecting NOTHING, and instead, examining what we have-- what we actually ARE experiencing -- right now.

Sometimes we will realize that some of what we "have" sucks ass (an economic basis that relies on the abuse of workers and the destruction of the environment, high gas prices, mortgage crisis, tepid relationship, faithless friends etc.) -- but sometimes -- and perhaps many times, or even better -- most times -- we will realize that much of what we "have" not only does not suck ass, but is astounding and amazing (incredible choices about food, housing, clothing, friends, lovers -- computers that do incredible service for us and potentially, for the whole species -- actual possessions and relationships that enhance and expand us, etc., etc., etc.) .

This is not "Optimism" -- it's Realism.

Let's get Real.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 2:30 AM 9 comments  

Labels: Consciousness, Hope, Personal Ethics

How to Fuck Up
Thursday, November 15, 2007

Because you probably will, at some point in your life.

Since it's likely that you're going to fuck up, in some way, at some time, why not do it with grace and aplomb?

Me? -- I think that I "fuck up" daily.

For me, currently, my main areas of "fucking up" are: Acting towards other beings in ways that I wouldn't want them to act toward me, not upholding or adhering to my own principles, not practicing what I preach, not walking my talk, etc. . . . . . . oh, just a thousand different things or so.

Remaining conscious and consistent can be a real bitch, sometimes.

However, I really want to remain conscious and I want to be consistent to my own principles and ethics. For me, that is the definition of personal integrity.

If your personal goals/values/ethics/principles in life are different from mine, I have no problem with that -- honestly. Still, I'm guessing that, even if your goals, principles, and ethical standards differ from mine, it's likely that you might "fuck up" with your own stuff every now and again.

That's what this post is about. "How to Fuck Up" -- and how to clean up when you fuck up.

I have a little tool that I call "The Four A's" (I learned it from an absolutely fantastic teacher) and it has helped me through numerous fuck-ups in my life.

When you "Fuck Up" (whether the fuck-up is minor or major) practice the "Four A's".

1. Acknowledgment
   
2. Apology
3. Amends
4. Action

#1) Acknowledgment -- is really important, IMO, because if you don't realize what you actually did, and how it was "fucked up", there's a high probability that you are going to do it again -- a very high probability.

#2) Apology -- is also really important -- but it has to be genuine (which requires #1 - Acknowledgment). Saying things like "I'm sorry if you felt bad about what I said/wrote" or "I'm sorry if your feelings got hurt", is, IMO, completely different from saying "I'm sorry that I said/wrote that. I see how it was fucked up, and here's how I know that it was fucked up . . . . . ". (Keep in mind that "if" is a word reserved for hypotheticals, and doesn't usually refer to real life. When used in apology, "if" is usually just a dilutive, and if you can't really apologize, then don't apologize at all. Sort of a perverse Thumper ethic.)

#3) Amends -- sometimes the energy required to actually think about how you fucked up and make an honest acknowledgment/apology is enough to return balance to the situation (depends on the type of fuck up, though). In some cases, "making amends" might also mean returning money/energy/time that your fuck-up created for someone else. This can be returned in any of a number of creative ways. Example: If you got all defensive in an argument, and therefore the argument took eight hours instead of 30 minutes (hey, I'm a lesbian -- I can DO me some processing!), consider just giving the person with whom you got all defensive eight hours of your time to do for them something that they might have gotten done if you hadn't been all uppity-up in yourself being a defensive shit (not that I've ever done that . . . .no, that has never happened with me. . . . . OK, maybe just that once . . . OK -- Fuck it! I'm completely busted here . . . .)

#4) Action -- This may be the most important of the 4 A's. If you know that you did something that was fucked up, and you've expressed that you're genuinely sorry that you did this fucked up thing, then really, the only concrete evidence of this will be that you will change what you do in the future. For me, if I don't take this step (action), the other three are just so much manipulation.

If you're thinking, "Well, if #4 is so important, and is really the critical thing, why bother with the other three?" Just trust me on this and try steps 1-3 out in real time. I've found them to be amazing, when combined with step 4. There is nothing . . . . nothing! . . . that melts my heart more than a heartfelt acknowledgment, apology, and offer of amends.

Not only that, but taking steps #1-#3 before moving into step #4 actually tends to make step #4 easier for me. If I know the other person now knows that I know that I fucked up, and that I felt bad about fucking up, and if I know that my fuck-ups have consequences (as in the amends I made), somehow taking a different action becomes so much more . . . . what's the word I'm looking for? . . . . . . Motivational?

If you're wondering what stimulated this post -- no, I did not specifically fuck up today (that I am aware of at the moment) -- (although it's likely that I did fuck up in some way today) -- (ok -- more than likely -- probable) -- (ok, more than probable -- nearly certain).

I'm OK with that. I don't mind fucking up nearly as much when I know the way back to grace.

My dad, who was a high-school band teacher before he retired, used to say: "If you're going to play a note wrong, at least play it wrong with gusto -- that way, someone might notice and give you the opportunity to correct it."

I love my dad.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 11:40 PM 14 comments  

Labels: Advice, Blogging, Functional Relationship, Personal Ethics

My Video Deconstruction
Monday, November 5, 2007

I struggled for a long time about why, whether, and how to post my Proverbs 6:16 video in the Jesus and Teh Gay post. I talked it over in advance with my Beloved, who serves as an unfailing "integrity compass" for me when I am flailing in the deep waters of my own intentions and desires. I also asked a blogger for whom I have penultimate respect to preview it and give me feedback.

Here were some of the questions I asked myself (and then asked my Beloved) -- (plus questions that my Beloved asked me that I hadn’t thought about yet) -- before I posted that video:

1. What is my intention in posting this video at all?
2. If someone else posted a similar video about me, would I be mad/upset or feel that they had represented me unfairly?
3. Do I think this video will actually change anything, or am I simply succumbing to my “wit-demonz”?
4. Am I using tactics which, if used by someone who I consider an “adversary”, I would think were incomplete in presenting a “whole idea” or "whole picture"?
5. Does this video fit with my basic principles and ethics?
   

In truth, I haven’t answered all these questions for myself, and I opted to post the video and “let the shit fly where it may”.

I do have some answers to some of these questions though -- answers that I would never have had, if I hadn't asked these questions, or had them asked of me.

Question #1: What is my intention in posting this video at all?

My intention in posting the video is for people to understand that there are many, many, many interpretations and translations of the Bible, and that one of the problems with basing an institutional, legislative, or governmental structure on such a freely-interpreted religious text is that the text itself can be used to condemn or promote nearly any behavior that you want to either condemn or promote, a theme I've touched on before.

Question #2: If someone else posted a similar video about me, would I be mad/upset or feel that they had represented me unfairly?

I know that I am willing to be held accountable to the principles which I espouse.

When I breach my espoused principles, I'm willing to have others point this out to me, and I am willing to make apologies and amends if I think I've breached these principles. So, in that sense, I don't think that it's outside my own ethics to ask people who proclaim themselves as "Bible-believing Christians" to align with the things that they profess.

If I had claimed myself as an adherent to a particular text such as the Bible, and I weren't living in accordance with that text, I'd actually WANT people to point this out to me.

Question #3: Do I think this video will actually change anything, or am I simply succumbing to my “wit-demonz”?

I have found that I do have the hope that this video will change something.

I don't think it will (necessarily) change the minds of "bible-thumpers" (but I can hope, can't I?). However, I believe that many people in US culture are affected by "vestigial biblical overflow" (VBO) without realizing it.

I personally know "inerrant-word-of-god" type Christians who condemn homosexuality, consign women to subservient roles, and entertain a host of other judgments, and who do so because they believe that they are required to do so by the Bible -- whether or not their own actions are consistent with the actual mandates of the Bible, whether or not their interpretations of what the Bible says match up with literal translations, and whether or not their life experience with gays, women, etc. give them other, observable facts that might contradict what they are "supposed" to think/do/judge.

Because it is their religion, and I respect the right of any human to believe as they wish to believe, all I can say is: "OK, so that's the path they've chosen."

However, I think that there are people who don't claim Christianity as their religion, who are nonetheless affected by VBO.

These may be people who were "raised Christian", but who had deep, troubling questions about the obvious contradictions that they observed in the religion of their upbringing. (For me, this manifested very early on, as I witnessed the Vietnam War playing out on TV and compared it to the "Thou Shalt Not Kill" that I received at church, Vacation Bible School, Sunday School, and Catechism classes.)

These may be people who were raised with no particular religious focus, or in an entirely different religion from Christianity, but who were nonetheless steeped in the Judeo-Christian background noise that saturates this country's media, holidays, and basic cultural assumptions.

Example: Many of us grew up with the notion that being homosexual, or getting divorced, -- or being different in any way -- is "bad" and "wrong" (or at the very least, "undesirable" or "strange"). But how many of us were actively actually encouraged to ask the question: "Why?"

In fact, if you grew up like me, you were actively encouraged to NEVER ask the question: "Why is it bad/wrong to be homosexual/get divorced/be different? How does this actually harm anyone?"

So, at a time when there are pundits and celebrities throwing around Biblical justifications for oppression and bigotry, and bullying others with a book, I do want to post information about the many other possible interpretations that are based on literal translation of this ancient religious text.

So that people can, perhaps, begin to see how VBO might be affecting them, and how arbitrary and numerous and varied the interpretations actually are.

Question #4: Am I using tactics which, if used by someone who I consider an “adversary”, I would think were incomplete in presenting a “whole idea” or "whole picture"?

Ah, and now I come to the thorny problem.

The honest answer, when I ask myself this question is: "Yes, I think I used tactics which present a partial picture rather than a whole context."

I find a million justifications rising in my mind as to why this is OK -- but none of them really satisfy me.

I find this maddening sometimes.

In truth, I don't think that I can ever provide a complete picture. In five or ten years, the images included in that video will be virtually meaningless.

Which is the same problem I have with the Bible, or the Koran, or the Sutras -- that we're trying to create a living code of behavior from a book or writings that were pertinent thousands of years in the past.

If I'm honest with myself, this video doesn't "sit" quite right with me yet.

Yes, I think it is "fair" (if that's the word) in terms of asking people who claim to be Christian to adhere to their own religious texts.

However, if I think about how little most people actually know about the Bible, it's possible that the even the espoused Christians portrayed may not actually know that much about the text they claim to be espousing. This seems pretty evident to me when I see something like Ann Coulter claiming that Christians are "perfected Jews" (a concept which does not appear anywhere in the New Testament, as far as I can read).

I guess the biggest difficulty I have with the video is that it points attention toward these people, while I would really like to point my attention elsewhere -- to more expansive vistas.

Which brings me to:

Question #5: Does this video fit with my basic principles and ethics?

No -- and specifically, it flies in the face of one principle I'm working with a lot lately: What you resist, persists.

And another principle which I work on daily: Don't preach to the choir -- if you have a beef, take it to the person you have a beef with. (This is a bit more problematic for me, as I don't know how I'm going to manage a heart-to-heart with Bush, Cheney, Limbaugh, Coulter, Gonzales, or Rumsfeld -- but then again, you never know!)

I learned a lot in this process though, and I think that's the real point of any experience.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 10:45 PM 3 comments  

Labels: Look How Clever I Am, Mainstream Media, Personal Ethics, Queers, Religion, Spirituality