Finally -- Sunday School Comes in Handy!
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
OK, I have a confession to make: Not only was I raised as a Christian, which meant that I was forced to attend church every Sunday until I was confirmed at age 13, at which point it became my choice whether to attend church (which I did -- Missouri Synod Lutheran -- I even became the church organist for a time), then I became a "born-again" Christian at age 19 (at the urging of my first lesbian lover -- yeah, that's weird, but it gets weirder), and to this day, I actually have a soft spot in my head for the teachings of Jesus -- you know, the real teachings, like "Love one another", "the meek shall inherit the earth", "suffer the little children to come unto me", etc. -- THAT Jesus? Remember him?
Later in life, I explored some of my less-known religious heritage -- like the fact that my father's fore bearers (who had converted to Bible Baptist a long, long time ago) were actually practicing Jews at one point . I studied Hebrew because I wanted to know what the Old Testament really said, and because I was curious to know what my genetic ancestors had been reading (and so that I could converse in some halting way with a friend in Tel Aviv). Throughout all these wild and woolly forays, I was a dyke-dyke-dykey dyke, since I knew from 12 years of age that I was a big old queer.
So, I know the Bible (Old T and New T) pretty well. It was drummed into my head at "Vacation Bible School" while I sprinkled glitter onto my tongue-depressor crosses at age 5, it was railed at me from the ornate pulpit of my midwestern church throughout my "formative" years, it was crooned to me by my lesbo-lover after a vigorous session of muff-diving, and three bibles still inhabit my book-shelf to this very day:
- My confirmation King James Version
- An NIV gifted to me by my sister when maybe she thought I might actually repent and be saved --the fly-leaf inscribed "The covers of this bible are red -- it's hoped that what lies between them will be" (Isn't that cute?) -- AND
- A gigantic interlinear Hebrew/Greek/Aramaic version (the only one I open now). It is large enough to qualify as a deadly weapon.
Until today, though, I hadn't really understood the Cosmic Plan for all this biblical absorption. Now, I have seen the Light, and Grokked the Purpose --
It was all part of the Creator's Divine Intention to Make Me Ready! . . .
. . . to deal with internet trolls.
On a couple of blogs that I read regularly, there have recently been recurrent appearances of comment trolls who spout things like: "You would all be fine and learn to love our glorious president if you just let the grace of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christs into your hearts and minds! . . . . . . Until you do, you suck."
It took me about two weeks to put it all together, but finally, G-d's Grace broke through to me -- I realized that I had been selected -- little old me -- to carry the Good Book into troll territory -- to recall all that I had studied and pondered over, and to hurl it with wild abandon under bridges everywhere -- yes, I have found My Way . . . My Path . . . My Dao.
So today, I began responding to my favorite "Holly Bibel" Troll simply by thanking it for reminding me to turn to the one source of real answers -- The BIBLE, and then citing an appropriate Bible verse for the situation at hand with the troll.
Luckily, the Bible has all the answers that you need -- no matter what position you are seeking to attack or defend.
Need to protest a war? Just try: Matthew 26:52 "Put your sword back in its place," Jesus said to him, "for all who draw the sword will die by the sword."
Need to defend a war? Well, just a couple of chapters back, we have: Matthew 24:6
"You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come."
See -- how cool is that?
It's like there's just one book that you can answer ANYTHING with -- Are you excited yet?
But wait, there's MORE!
The Bible is like the Popeil Pocket Fisherman! You can justify or denigrate nearly everything with this single volume! Self-righteousness and cosmic one-upsmanship has never been so easy!
You may be saying: "Hey Portly! I wasn't as privileged as you -- I didn't get a thorough, brain-numbing education in Bible studies from the time I could walk! I don't really understand the Bible -- it all seems so long and complex! How can I quote scripture if I'm taking it out of context and not really sure what it means?"
Don't worry -- the biblicul trolls you might deal with don't seem to understand it either -- they use the Bible this way all the time -- and if they can take a single passage, separate it from its entire surrounding text, and use it to browbeat another human being -- so can you!!
In all seriousness, I do think that the real Jesus rocks. He was a social activist (he advocated and intervened for the poor, down-trodden, and even whores) -- a rebel (which is probably why they killed him, unfortunately) -- anti-establishment (f*ck you, Pharisees! Rich people who care for no one else -- you're not gettin' into my heaven!) -- the real Jesus was a fucking radical.
So, maybe I'm a true Christian after all.
Posted byPortlyDyke at 11:54 PM