The Ten Commandments as Push-Back

Our story so far: God creates this Earth thingy, and a bunch of plants and animals to decorate it, and a thingy called "Man/Adam".

Man/Adam is lonely, so God clones a "help-meet" (whatever the fuck that is) for Man/Adam, by taking a discrete sample of his DNA (Lolcatbible Gen 2:23 "I calz her "whoa man!", k? -- cuz she in ur chest taken ur ribs"), which is kind of weird, since, in cloning, the clone usually ends up the same gender as the clonee (so maybe it really was Adam and Steve after all?).

For the sake of moving the story forward, however, let's assume that God really is a rocket scientist, and got all the parts to line up . . .

. . . . . . like so ------>>>

You know the rest of the whole temptation setup from Ricky Gervais, right?

Great, let's proceed.

Well, after God bounces the parents of humankind from the Garden, just all kinds of shit breaks loose -- brothers killing brothers, angels sleeping with humans, human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria.

God gets disgusted with all the shit-breaking-looseness and destroys all life with a flood except for this one guy and his family and a shit-load of breeding pairs of animals which get packed in a big boat -- something about this size, if we have our cubits right:

Except, when this dude gets off his boat (after five months of animal poo and too much quality time with his family) the first thing he does is get stinking drunk and passes out butt-naked in his tent, and one of his sons sees his dangly bits, and there's this whole scene where NoahLushyExhibitionist curses his son's son into servitude.

Even though the son's son wasn't involved in the whole Daddy-I-Saw-Your-'Nads thing.

And that's why God meant for black people to be slaves.

Keep up, will you? We're not even half-done.

Despite God's best efforts to wipe out wickedness, the wickedness just keeps coming, (although God does seem to be able to "look the other way" in certain cases which I'm not going to go into at great length -- Abram *cough*liar, pimp*cough*).

However, there is this one story, which I will include because The Queen Cunt of Fuck Mountain has ordained that it be so, and everyone in the entire Universe knows that all of us who frequent Shakesville are mindless thralls in service to Her every whim (unlike people who consider the Bible the inerrant word of God, who are free-thinking, intellectually-liberated types) -- and that story is:

Lot and His Daughters

The story of Sodom and Gommorah ("I rained down sulfur, man, there's a subtle difference"), and Lot's Wife Turning into a Pillar of Salt ("We were out of salt! You know I love the salt!"), are the stuff of publicist's wet-dreams -- the story just after? Not so much.

Which is why you probably didn't hear about it during Sunday School.

Sodom and Gommorah is a smoking ruin, and Lot has miraculously escaped with his two daughters (his disobedient, fully-salinated wife and his disbelieving, dude-you-so-funny! sons-in-law have been, unfortunately, destroyed utterly) and he is living in a cave in the mountains.

His daughters, charmingly called simply "Eldest" and "Youngest" (probably in keeping with their mom's family tradition of not actually needing a name as long as you've got a man), look around and cannot see any men anywhere, so they go all Spring Break on daddy's ass -- thusly:
Genesis 19:30-38
30 Lot mooved to mountains cuz he scared of Zoar (and smelled like old fart) n lived in a kave. 30 Lot and his two daughters left Zoar and settled in the mountains, for he was afraid to stay in Zoar. He and his two daughters lived in a cave.
31 Older dauter sez to younger dauter, "Old father is Old and I R in heat. 31 One day the older daughter said to the younger, "Our father is old, and there is no man around here to lie with us, as is the custom all over the earth.
32 I get daddy drunk and do PENIS GOES WHERE?! So we can save our recessive genes." 32 Let's get our father to drink wine and then lie with him and preserve our family line through our father."
33 That night they giv daddy winez and /b. Daddy drink winez to make imagez go away and older daughter do PENIS GOES WHERE?!. /b so bad daddy knot remember. 33 That night they got their father to drink wine, and the older daughter went in and lay with him. He was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up.
34 neXt day, older daughter say "I do buttsecKs wif daddy, now ur turn" 34 The next day the older daughter said to the younger, "Last night I lay with my father. Let's get him to drink wine again tonight, and you go in and lie with him so we can preserve our family line through our father."
35 /b nasty again so Lot drinkZORS to stuporz and younger daughter doez PENIS GOES WHERE?! 35 So they got their father to drink wine that night also, and the younger daughter went and lay with him. Again he was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up.
36 Boaf gurlz get preggerz from daddy. 36 So both of Lot's daughters became pregnant by their father.
37 Older daughter plop out boy named Moab, He be Father of Moabates and Mother of all bombs (and smell like desert - recessives) 37 The older daughter had a son, and she named him Moab; he is the father of the Moabites of today.
38 Lettle daughter plop out boy called Ben-(ken)Ammi who be father of (ken)Amminoites today n sing gud. 38 The younger daughter also had a son, and she named him Ben-Ammi ; he is the father of the Ammonites of today.


Incest, passed-out drunken sex which is all the fault of the women who perpetrate this on a poor man who has no idea that he's having sex, twice (to be fair, it was the "Golden Age" -- maybe penises and vast quantities of alcohol interacted differently back then), nameless women serving as incubators so that -- horrors! -- a man's "seed" will not die out, and the extra-added dominionist goodness of -- nation-building! -- all neatly packaged in eight short verses (and all this time I was wondering what part of the Bible the Xtians get their "family values" from).

With all this fucking and boozing going on, it's no wonder God had to come up with the Big Ten, to get these stiff-necked assholes to behave.

So, this will be the last installment of my National Bible Week Series. At midnight tonight, it will all be over -- Thank Ceiling Cat.

In closing, I'll just say this: Know Your Bible!!!! It can tell you all sorts of useful things about the Xtianist movement that would like to convert our nation into a theocracy.

Since we started with Genesis 1, let's end at the end:
Revelations 22-10:21
10 Then ayngel says "this profissy, it all come true, here it comez, any second now, not long to wait, very soon"
11 "let evil kittehs be evilz, let skanky kittehs be skankz, left left-handed kittehs be lefteez, let good kittehs be good"
12 Jesus sayz "incomingz!" (reelly dis time)
13 "I is First and Last and Always" (goff kittehs lov dis bit)
14 "Blessed are kittehs wot had a baff"
15 "Magic dogs are outside! Run awayz!"
16 Ceiling cat's kitteh is shiny.
17 Uthirst? MAGIC TOILET!
18 Dis end ov book - No Moar! K?
19 Teh Holiez Bibul am © Teh Ceiling Cat
20 BRB
21 Da graze of Lord Jesus be wit u kittehs. Fer rlz. kthxbai!

I'd like to express my deepest appreciation to Zotnix and all the translators at Lolcatbible for making National Bible Week infinitely more enjoyable and fun for me.

Ai thnx Ceiling Cat fr dem.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 2:05 PM  


Anonymous said... November 24, 2007 at 8:36 PM  

I think we should make this our Constitution and be done with it.

Anonymous said... November 25, 2007 at 5:19 AM  

I don't understand!!!

Where are the "TEN COMMANDMENTS"???

I was SO looking forward to them.

PortlyDyke said... November 25, 2007 at 10:40 AM  

mary tracy -- I figured the Big Ten had SO been done that everyone gets them. But just for you . . . . . stay tuned tomorrow.

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