The Lesbian Grand Council FAQ
Monday, July 23, 2007

Well, I've commented on behalf of the Lesbian Grand Council ^[tm] a few times now, and I think it's time that we come out of the closet.

Lesbian Grand Council (LGC) FAQ:

Question: What is the Lesbian Grand Council?

Answer: The Lesbian Grand Council is a galaxy-wide coalition of lesbians and lesbian-sympathizers. At its meta-level, the LGC governs every aspect of life as a lesbian (see "The Lesbian Rules" at the end of this post), which is far too detailed and complex to explain fully in this post (or this lifetime). Do not attempt to understand the LGC in its entirety. This will lead you to the Cliffs of Insanity.

Question: Do I have to be a lesbian in order to be authorized to post/comment on behalf of the LGC?

Answer: No. But you do have to be willing to be identified as a lesbian, which includes, for legal purposes, being labeled, in print or electronic media, with any or all of the following words, and in any combination thereof: lesbian, dyke, lesbo, queer, homo, gay, cunt, man-hating, castrating, dick-slicing, ball-cutting, bull-dagger, unnatural, freak, freak-of-nature, abomination, sodomite, pervert, perv, muff-diver, clam-licker, flange-fister (or, when you are lingering with the "intelligentsia" -- Homophile, or Invert) -- and also, even though you would think it didn't really apply to lesbians: faggot, fag, fairy, fruit, cock-sucker, and "some-phrase-I-haven't-thought-of-yet-
but-I'm-sure-They-will". (I welcome your submissions if I've omitted a common epithet that you feel should be included in this section of the FAQ.)

This section implies, but does not detail, further phrases and combinations of abusive language that you are likely to encounter if you post or comment as a representative of the LGC, such as "can't get a man", "just need a real man", or "fat, ugly hole". We will refrain from detailing other, more violent, abusive phrases that you may be the recipient of, as we do not want to show up in certain Google searches.

Question: Do I have to be bitter to post/comment on behalf of the LGC?

Answer: Not necessarily, but it may help. The human tongue is capable of tracking five basic tastes: Salty (Ooooo -- Pussy!), Sweet (Ooooo again -- Pussy!), Savouriness (aka Umame -- OOOOO -- Pussy again!!), Sour (sometimes, pussy, also) and Bitter (Also sometimes pussy, unfortunately) -- however, -- evolutionary biologists have suggested that a distaste for bitter substances may have evolved as a defense mechanism against accidental poisoning, so developing your bitterness-receptors may actually help you to determine when you have encountered something that is potentially poisonous -- such as a right-wing troll, rape-apologist, progressive wanna-be, or queer-basher. Don't hesitate to develop your "Bitter" receptors -- you may need them, in the long run.

Question: Does the LGC have any rules about posting/commenting on behalf of the organization?

Answer: Emphatically, YES. Here are the LGC posting/commenting guidelines, in a nutshell:

• When posting on behalf of the LGC, do not call anyone names that you, yourself, would not want, or be willing, to be called.
  
• In all instances, be "up-beat" and congratulatory in your posts/comments! Example: "Great job [right-wing nut-case]! Thanks for helping the LGC in its continuing mission to raise the awareness of all humanity about the reality and prevalence of real oppression, simply by being who you are, and saying what you say! I couldn't have made a better case against hypocrisy and hate if I had banged away on my keyboard all day!"
• Remember that extremely hateful people can be testy at times. If they nip or bark at you, remain calm and keep your sense of humor.
  
• Try to really "give" something to those you are posting/commenting to . . . An award, certificate, or decorative wall-hanging can go a long, long way! Be creative! Yes, you can always fall back on LGC standard awards: the "Honorary Inadvertent Blue-Ally Creator" lapel-pin, or the "Thanks for Pushing that Gay-Curious Gal Off the Fence Cuz You're Being Such an Asshole" Certificate of Merit, but the LGC encourages innovative thought and action, and we welcome your suggestions for new honors and awards.
  

Question: How do I become an authorized poster/commenter for the LGC?

Answer: You must apply to ME, Portly Dyke, at this blog -- Nowhere Else! As LGC Internet Chairwomyn/Chairwombwyn/Chairwomin (oh, fuck it,whatever) -- I, and I alone, have the power to invest you as an authorized LGC poster/commenter.

To apply for authorization, make a comment to this post, detailing the gifts and commitment that you bring as a potential LGC poster/commenter, and I will consider your application.

Of course, there are some intricacies involved with being a Lesbian, or even with being associated with Lesbianism. If I could figure out how to embed this sound file into my blog, I'd do it, but for now -- you're just going to have to bear with a link to . . . .
The Lesbian Rules

If you're serious about applying, I suggest you listen to that.

Signing Off,
Portly Dyke

[This post is dedicated to Fred Phelps, who, through his courageous stretching of the hate-envelope, managed to transform my straight, Lutheran, midwest mother into a LGBT activist.]

Posted byPortlyDyke at 7:57 PM 7 comments  

Labels: Feminism, Humor, Trolls

Things I Don't Spend Much Time On Anymore
Sunday, July 22, 2007

For those of you who found me through comments I've made at other blogs (such as the inimitable Shakesville), you may have noticed that I tend to comment (frequently) on some topics and leave other topics pretty much alone.

Oh, I read all the posts, even most of the comments, but there are some issues and areas that I simply don't give much of my energy to anymore in terms of outflow.

For example, you'll rarely find a comment from me on a thread that is purely confined to discussion of recent political events. That may seem counter-intuitive, since it's probably clear that I have an activist streak a mile wide (or at least the residual of same).

The reason is this: I've been around for quite a while now.

I cast my first presidential vote for Jimmy Carter in 1976 (the Bi-Centennial! Rah! Rah! Rah!). I didn't cast another vote for a president who actually won for another 16 years. I lived through the Reagan era as a social worker working for a government agency with low-income and homeless populations, and witnessed, up close and personal, the morass that is "welfare agency as a small boat manipulated by political tides".

When my "ally" Bill Clinton won in 1992, we were "standing at the threshold of a new era!^[tm]!" I canvassed and volunteered for the '92 Clinton campaign, and got a whole bunch of queers to give up a whole bunch of their money to the man who was going to champion our rights. I was so excited!

When he wrote, and then signed into the law, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", in his first year of presidency, you could have knocked me over with a feather. I never, ever, saw it coming, I swear to you.

Let's just say that on that day, my belief in political solutions was seriously eroded. OK. Massively --and perhaps, fatally -- eroded.

It's not that I'm encouraging people to ignore politics, exactly -- but I find it personally very hard to "get it up" to experience true outrage over various political shenanigans that I have, through hard experience, merely come to expect.

Like the new Congressional "leadership". Yeah, sure, I did afford myself a moment of giddy exhilaration after Election '06 -- a brief hopefulness that I was yet again standing at the threshold of some new "new era".

But I must say that I haven't been all that surprised at the slippery-slidey erosion in congressional fortitude amongst the Dems.

I'm no longer shocked when candidates, pundits, and office-holders are revealed as hypocrites, harlots, and hacks.

Frankly, I'm more often amazed when a politician is ethical, follows through on a promise, or takes a truly courageous stand in the face of popular opinion or partisan opposition.

I have paid my dues as an activist. I've protested, canvassed, sat on PACs and advisory councils, organized grass-roots actions, raised money, signed and gathered signatures for petitions, come out publically in a major newspaper, directly confronted racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, fatphobia, and classism, served as a legislative aid, marched with union workers, people of color, queers, homeless people -- I spent the bulk of nearly 30 years immersed in political activism.

After all that time in the trenches, I came to this conclusion: I don't think that changing politics will necessarily change our culture. I think that changing individuals will change our culture, because these changed individuals will vote for candidates who will change the face of politics.

So, while I occasionally allow myself a moment of strumg und drang over things political, I tend to conserve my energy and steer it into interactions and actions that I think might actually create change in the world.

People still seem astounded that George W. Bush won a second election (if he did, in fact, win a first one). One thing that I noticed, though, was that most of the people that I know (and yes, I do know some) who voted for Bush actually voted FOR him, whereas most of the people I know who voted for Democratic presidential candidates weren't really voting for anyone -- they were voting AGAINST Bush.

Energetically, I think there is a vast difference.

That was one of the reasons that I issued the 30-day angst-loss challenge. I'm more interested in actually changing things, now, than just getting myself worked up, talking myself down, and going on my merry way.

Here, at day 15 of my own angst-loss experiment, I must say that it has been helpful. I've sent over 15 written communications to congresspeople, government agencies, and advertisers, I've kept my mouth shut at times when I might not have otherwise, because I was just about to piss and moan rather than think and act, and I've generally stewed in my own juices just a bit less. I'm not sure that my communications will actually do much of anything to change the minds of the currently-installed politicos, but it has helped me to know that I did something.

In spite of everything I've experienced as a "political being", I suspect that we are now at an important crux -- that we actually are at the threshold of a new era -- on the verge, or maybe in the midst of, a great cultural change -- and I believe that this change can be a change for the better. I don't believe that I will find that reflected in the mainstream media. In fact, I think the MSM is frantically attempting to distract us away from the fact that we are changing.

In the USA, for the first time in history, we have a majority of full-grown adults who have never lived without the concept of email and the internet. (Why do you think the corporations are all so hot to control the web?) I think that this concept alone has the capacity to shatter the insularity with which this nation has clothed itself.

The capacity.

So, I want to put my energy on the web to the best use that I can think of --awareness-raising, connective dialogue, and hopefully, transformation.

(OK, that entire thing was probably distinctly unfocused and rambling. Fuck it. It's late and I'm tired.)

ps. Don't worry. I still vote -- I just don't scream and yell about it. Hurts my throat.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 2:03 PM 4 comments  

Labels: angst-Loss, Hope, Politics

My First Ever Friday Cat Blogging
Friday, July 20, 2007

Well, I was just going to post one video, but I realized that there was a joke you wouldn't get if you haven't seen "The Smiley Intervention" -- so I'm posting both. If you've already seen the smiley intervention, skip to video #2. (Blogger's Note: I'd post a video of my cat, but she'd kill me. She's kind of a Greta Garbo type.)

Smiley Intervention:


Kittens:


As you may have guessed, I'm working on a "real" post.

Pet your kitties, bitchez!

Posted byPortlyDyke at 10:08 PM 2 comments  

Labels: Cats, Funny Fluff, Humor, Video

Which Finger Am I?
Thursday, July 19, 2007

I was really hoping to be "the bird", but apparently, I am not. The worst thing about finding out my true finger nature was that the being who referred me to this quiz is someone who I think of as a true compatriot, and he was warned to stay away from me, for I am:

a Pinky

You are fiercely independent, and possibly downright weird. A great communicator, you can get along with almost anyone. You are kind and sympathetic. You support all your friends - and love them for who they are. You get along well with: The Ring Finger Stay away from: The Thumb

As a "That's so WEIRD" aside, I usually call my cat "Pinky" (even though this is not her "real" name), because she has a pink nose, and little toes that are like small pink beach pebbles. They are adorable, IMO.

I usually classify cats not by breed or marking -- instead, I study their nose and toe-pad color and file them under: Pinkies, Terra-Cottists, Blackies, etc.

I hope you can still talk to me, Phyd.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 11:20 PM 5 comments  

Labels: Fluff

TTDT -- Be Prepared to Speak Your Truth
Wednesday, July 18, 2007

I think we've all had the experience. Someone -- perhaps someone we know, love, or expect something different from -- says something, right in front of us, that we find so offensive, ignorant, discriminatory, and/or demeaning-- that we are absolutely flabbergasted.

Example: My mother (the woman who used to be all liberal and shit -- who taught me that racism was a really bad thing) says to me, during a phone call, of the Somalian refugees who are now living in her small town: "Well, they all look alike you know!"

Example: My co-workers, who work every day with my white boss (who happens to be married to a black man), and seem to love and respect her, wait until she, and every person of color, is out of the room before they exclaim over the picture of her new daughter: "Oh, thank goodness -- she's so light!"

These are only two of many (personally-experienced) examples -- examples of speech that I recognized, in the moment, as absolutely, positively, unvarnished racism-in-action.

When I heard these statements, I didn't wonder in my head (as I often do, when I receive or overhear a fat-phobic or homophobic comment, however overt) -- "Am I just being sensitive because this is 'my' issue?" I knew immediately that these comments were offensive, ignorant, discriminatory and demeaning.

Yet, in both of the examples above, I was utterly flummoxed at the moment. I did not make an immediate response. I did not speak my truth in the moment, and I lived with regret about that afterward, stewing for days and days about what I should have done in the moment, regardless of what action I took later.

In the first example with my mom, at that moment, I remember that I stammered -- my dad, lingering on the extension phone, jumped in for a quick recovery, changed the subject, and ended the phone call within the next 60 seconds.

In the second example with my co-workers, my jaw actually dropped -- I simply stared, speechless, at them over the picture of this beautiful child, and before I could think of what to say, they had already slunk away to their respective work-stations, and left me standing alone in the break-room.

In both of these encounters, and in many others -- like "Joe" (Vs. the Volcano), as he quits his "job" -- I found my mind whirling around this phrase:

"I should say something."

In truth, however, at each of these moments, I had no idea what to say. While I tried to catch my breath, my brain was, no doubt, busy calculating the risks of possible confrontation, the likelihood of effecting change in the situation, and the emotional and energetic cost of engaging with someone who could say "something like that" while I was a) totally pissed off/triggered, b) uncertain whether I ever wanted to talk to them again, and c) totally pissed off/triggered.

Would I/Should I? --

1. Launch into an educational diatribe about the heinous results of racism, whether intentional and practiced, or unconscious and entertained?
2. Simply say, in measured tones: "I can't believe you just said that," and stalk away, clothed in my outrage, hoping that they would understand what had offended me?
3. Raise my voice to match the intensity of my emotional response and emphatically state: "That is a racist comment, and I won't stand for it!" and hope that someone might actually have the guts to meet me in the crucible where my personal activation was swirling with a global human issue?
4. Shout with all my might: "You fucking hypocritical turd(s)!", and refuse to deal with them until they apologized?

I've actually done all of those things, in other situations. I haven't found them to be tremendously successful in effecting the change I want to make in the world.

Here are two of the most effective consciousness-changing actions I've ever taken (the first of which I wouldn't have even thought about if I hadn't answered a QOD at Shakesville the other night):

Action #1: Dark theater, 1995. Showing of "Higher Learning" in a cinema located in a well-known liberal west coast city. Audience of 200 or more, mostly urban, well-educated folk.

The movie is all about oppression, and the audience seems to be following along, getting the gist of it all -- until, HORRORS! -- there's a (minuscule -- like maybe three seconds, tops) lesbian kissing scene-- at which groans, retching noises, and choruses of "oh gross!" break out in the theater. I am stunned for a moment.
I can't believe what I'm hearing.

Then, somehow, without thinking, I say, calmly, in a voice just loud enough to be heard throughout the theater: "I'm a lesbian." The place goes dead fucking silent.

The woman next to me fidgets throughout the rest of the movie, but the woman who is in a seat two rows in front of me sits through the credits, as I do, and when the theater is all but empty, and I am leaving, she touches my arm, and asks: "Was it you who said that?" -- "Yes," I answer (after looking around to see who might be waiting to beat the crap out of me).

"Thank you for saying that," she says.

Action #2: I am leaving my brother's second wedding with my mom and dad. They are taking me to the airport. It's a long drive.

On the way, parental units are ripping my new sister-in-law a new asshole. I have no idea why, really.

I suspect they're really mad at my brother, for ruining the "no-divorce" streak that our branch of the family had maintained for a couple of generations, but they're ripping on the new wife, not my brother. I first engage in an educational manner, trying to appeal to "reason" -- but they're having none of it.

Finally, I said: "You know, when I hear you talk like this, I wonder what you say about me, when I'm not here."

Then there is a long, uncomfortable silence, which does not seem to portend any great shift of consciousness.

A year later, my dad takes me aside, and tells me that he remembered what I said, and has thought (and acted) differently about gossiping or complaining about people in the family, ever since.

The commonality in these two actions, I believe, was my willingness to be vulnerable in the moment.

I usually find it much easier to speak up and out on behalf of others -- to protest and confront racism, trans-phobia, hetero-phobia, religious intolerance for religions that are not my own, etc., etc. -- than it is for me to directly confront fat-phobia, homo-phobia, or misogyny, or any of the "isms" that are focused at me directly.

I think this has to do with the fact that I have a suspicion/understanding that it is actually possible for me to see things and hear things through a very subjective filter that may, or may not, provide me with an accurate view of what has just happened. (Shorter Portly Dyke: I don't trust myself.)

I spent several decades of my life perpetually pissed off -- not without reason, mind you -- but, in retrospect, I believe that there was a period during I was actually addicted to my anger -- I became more loyal to my rage than to my reason, and more attached to my identity as an oppressed person/victim than to my desire or motivation to effect change.

So, now, I keep a sharp eye on my RighteousWrath-O-Meter, especially when responding to issues that strike close to the bone for me.

I don't have judgment about feeling mad -- I think that the energy of this emotion can be (and wants to be) transformed into action very effectively. I believe that feeling "pissed off" is telling me something (but probably nothing that feeling "slightly irritated" wasn't telling me, long before I registered being pissed off).

However, I haven't found pedantic lectures, icey walk-outs, or incendiary spews to be necessarily effective.

The one thing that I have actually found to be effective is: My truth. How I feel in the moment.

I wish now that, when my mom had said that, I had responded immediately with: "Mom. I feel sad and mad when I hear you saying that. It doesn't seem to fit for me with what I've heard you say about judging people by their skin color." (Because that's what I thought when I heard it.)

I wish now, that, when my co-workers said what they did, I had responded immediately with: "I feel very bad, and very sad right now. I have the sense that I've just been included in a 'whites only' conversation, and I don't want to be a part of that. I feel scared to even say this, because I think that if I say it, you'll start treating me like you just treated our boss -- waiting for me to leave the room to say what you really think."

This post was inspired by two things:

1. Thorn's posts at Shapely Prose. Reading her story, with all the "messy" vulnerable feelings included, brought me closer to her experience, and helped me to commit again to speaking up in the moment when I witness or experience oppression.
2. An experience that I had recently, where the power of telling a personal story of my own, and including the emotional content, without trying to look all "cool", shifted a conversation/conflict dramatically.
   

So here's the TTDT:

Be prepared to speak your truth -- not "the" truth, and not some "prepared statement". Your truth, in the moment.

Be smart, witty, whatever you will -- but also -- Remember to tell people how you feel -- describe your emotions and experience -- not just the feeling of being mad/angry/rage-full, but also the sadness, the feeling of being scared to speak up, the fear of being "thrown out" or discounted, or simply the dissonant twang that arises when something has been said and you haven't yet figured out, intellectually, what exactly is bugging you about it.

You may be thinking: "Well, they don't care how I feel -- if they did, they wouldn't say what they said!"

Just try it. Try a bit of vulnerability. Sure, they may go for your throat. But hell, if they're as bad as you are projecting them to be, they're going for your throat anyway.

I'm going to be working with this through the next week.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 10:35 PM 5 comments  

Labels: angst-Loss, Fat, Homophobia, Politics, Progressives, Racism, Truth

Once Again, Working on a Post
Monday, July 16, 2007

OK, magical readers of the untouchable "out there" -- I was going to post tonight about something pithy, but find that I'm needing to think, and ponder, and think again about the subject that I thought was going to be so effortless and easy to post about.

When I think of the producers of my favorite blogs, who manage many posts per day, all intelligent and witty-like, I wonder "How the fuck do they manage that?"

So, I'm going to throw out a couple of momentary distractions while I continue to ponder my next post:


and:

Posted byPortlyDyke at 11:33 PM 0 comments  

Labels: Blogging, Fluff, Video

Update and Question of the Day
Saturday, July 14, 2007

An update on those who expressed concern about my last post: All is well at The House of Portliness, and I truly was just processing some emotional content (I'm pretty emotional, actually, and when it's high tide for me, I prefer to surf without distraction). I may post on the exact whos/whens/whats/wheres at a future date, but today, I'm just enjoying my return to equilibrium, and not feeling particularly profound or insightful.

So, I'll just be posting a Question of the Day (inspired by the movie I just watched):

If you had the ability to travel backward (or forward) in time, what would you do with this skill?

(BTW -- the inspiratory movie was a living ambiguity for me -- loved the premise, suckered by the special effects, groaned out loud many times at the cinematic condescensions, enjoyed verbally reaming the producers, director, and editor for coping out on a potentially great concept, and now absolutely must read the short story upon which it was based. Guess what it was. Hint: Released within the last year.)

Posted byPortlyDyke at 12:17 AM 15 comments  

Labels: Fluff, QOD

Time Out
Friday, July 13, 2007

Portly is taking a time out today. Processing teh emotions. No worries, mates, I'm not emotion phobic -- just taking a real life break to process on through.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 5:54 PM 7 comments  

Labels: Blogging, Very Personal Details

Scratch a Prude, Sniff a Perv
Thursday, July 12, 2007

Something I get, and two things I don't get.

I get that the phrase "Methinks the Lady doth protest too much," is cliche.

Why, then, doesn't our culture seem to get that? That's the first thing I don't get.

As glass houses come tumbling down about the ears of "RIGHTeous" men, over and over and over again, you'd think the accuracy of our Hypocrite Early Warning System would improve, wouldn't you?

Why is it, after so much experience, that when some asshat starts screaming about teh gay, or teh fambily valuez, or teh trampling of christian rightz, we do not simply slap a decibel meter on them, calculate the frequency and acoustic levels of their outbursts, chart the algorithm from past data, and set the fucking timer for their projected MMM??!! (Moments to Moral Meltdown)

I mean, really. I do not get why there is any element of surprise to the whole thing anymore.

It just so obvious. One of the ways that I personally determine where people score on the "gay aptitude test" is their level of knowledge about/interest in anything gay (regardless of whether this expresses as a positive or negative attitude).

Example: A friend (I call her "Sherry") was quizzing me about being a lesbian. I had always thought of her as one of the most heterosexual people I had ever met, but until this day, I wasn't exactly sure why I thought that. She asked me, "So, when you make love with your girlfriend, don't you miss the closeness?"

I was completely baffled. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you know . . . . the closeness."

"I really don't know what you mean, Sherry. Do you think we have sex, like, from separate rooms, or something?"

I then realized that she simply could not imagine having sex without having a penis in a vagina. She literally could not imagine it. That's why I think of her as unremittingly straight.

See, people who don't want to have a certain kind of sex don't seem to spend a lot of time imagining what it might be like. They also, in my experience, don't spend a lot of time insisting that other people not have that kind of sex -- it just doesn't occupy much (or frequently any) space in their minds.

The second thing I don't get is: How in the world do these people think they're not going to get caught?

These are some of the same people who supported Bush's illegal wire-tapping and internet-harvesting programs. Surely they must know that we live in an increasingly transparent age in terms of personal information.

Is it simply staggers-the-mind quantities of denial?

Is it passeth-all-human-understanding levels of arrogance?

Is it something in the communion wafers? I mean, really --- how do they manage it?!?

See, now right at that moment, I almost feel sorry for them. I have known the agony of the closet . . . . the terror that someone might find out who I really am, and judge me, and scorn me, and fire me, and beat me.

But I never for an instant actually thought that it was impossible that someone might find me out. So I came out of the closet, instead.

So what do they got that I don't got?

Oh, yeah -- they've got the "Get Out of Hell Free" card. As Kate Clinton once said (I paraphrase): "You say your confession, do your penance, and you're back on the street."

In the interest of supporting the Constitution and forming a more perfect Union, establishing Justice, insuring domestic Tranquility, providing for the common defence, and promoting the general Welfare, I am now requesting that each of you begin exercising your Hypocrite Early Warning System.

Exercise:
Choose a screetcher about values/morals/wev, and using the algorithm of past cases, calculate their projected time to MMM.

This is not a psychic, woo-woo exercise. Be scientific. Use your brain.

Special Credit if you successfully predict what method they will use to dodge responsibility for their acts. This is multiple choice:

1. It's a misunderstanding.
2. I've already confessed it to my preacher.
3. The Devil made me do it. He's after me personally because I am such a force for Good.
4. All of the above.
   

Posted byPortlyDyke at 11:59 AM 7 comments  

Labels: Bad Behavior (Others), Homophobia, Sex, Xtians

Wednesday Morning Comedy Break
Wednesday, July 11, 2007

I fucking love this bit. In fact, I think that the next time I meet up with a troll, I'm just going to scream:

"COME AND SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM!! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!!"

Posted byPortlyDyke at 9:00 AM 3 comments  

Labels: Fluff, Funny Fluff, Humor, Video