Moar Blotter
Thursday, May 7, 2009

OK -- So, longer-time readers of my blog may remember my penchant for the police and sheriff's blotters in my hometown newspaper (if you have no idea what I'm talking about, please read this post).

Last week, I was talking to a friend on the phone and we fell into the inevitable "reading each other things hysterically funny things from our respective hometown newspapers" thing -- so I thought I'd share some of the recent Police and Sheriff's blotters entries with you (because they're just too good to keep to myself). Please note -- the blotter entries are verbatim. My comments in italics.

Sunglasses, a flashlight and other items were stolen from an unlocked 1996 Geo Metro in the 500 block of 22nd on April 27. (Poor thing -- probably left the Metro unlocked hoping that someone would steal the CAR.)

A 41-year-old man called police to report that his 47-year-old live-in girlfriend was "running her mouth" on April 27. Police made a report of the verbal dispute. (No comment, lest my Beloved turn me in for "running my mouth".)

A 44-year-old Port Hadlock woman and her 20-year-old son got into an argument about who would pay for the gas related to a landscaping job they were doing in the 1500 block of Lawrence on April 29. Police took a report.

A Hadlock woman called to compaint about her 15-year old daughter not behaving on Jan. 18. She called back before a deputy arrived and said to disregard her issue.

(RE: The two entries above -- please refer to my first blotter post, which contains one of my favorite blotter entries ever -- the woman who called 911 to report that "her relatives were annoying her" -- I will simply repeat: REALLY?!? You can call 911 for these things? Who Knew?)

On the night of April 29, a 23-year-old transient woman said she was robbed of $40 in the parking lot of an apartment building on Gaines. Police and a witness were unable to locate the suspect. At 3:40 a.m. the next day, police were called back to the same building, where a resident complained that the woman, who used to live there, was keeping people up by using the laundry equipment. (Because, apparently, reporting these two things in the same entry maintains Cosmic Balance -- since we all know that transient-being-robbed is offset and utterly neutralized by transcient-keeping-people-up-by-using-the-laundry-equipment.)

A 53-year-old man parked his 2003 Chevy truck in front of a food vendor in the 2400 block of Washington at noon on April 30 to have lunch at a nearby restaurant. The food vendor asked him not to park there, police said, but he declined the suggestion. When he returned, he found a chunk of asphalt on top of his truck with a note telling him not to park there. Police are investigating. (This entry drives me to distraction -- was the chunk of asphalt wrapped in the note? Was the note held down by the asphalt so that it wouldn't blow away? Inquiring minds need to know.)

OK -- the next three are filed under -- zuh??

A 27-year-old man reported that a painting he had on display in a Water Street coffee house was stolen May 3, but it might have been a misunderstanding, police said.

A pistol was found at Snow Creek and turned over to authorities April 26. It had not been stolen.

A Quilcene woman returned home April 29 from a vacation and found her house in disarray. She determined a relative was responsible and declined to pursue charges.

(And on that last one -- So, not only can I call 911 when my relatives annoy me, but also when my house is in disarray?)

Meth was said to be a problem in Hadlock on April 24, a woman told deputies. (Well, I should say so.)

Carpentry tools and power tools were reported taken from a weekend cabin back in February. (Reported in the May 5 paper, but apparently, the blotter was so thin this week that we needed to include a three-month old report. Maybe someone complained. "Hey! I didn't see my report in the blotter three months ago! Unfair! 15 minutes! I was told 15 Minutes of Fame in the brochure!")

A Hadlock woman said a truck turned a corner April 25 and a sheet of glass flew off and broke into the roadway on First Street. The woman said she swept the glass off the roadway and the owner denied losing anything from the vehicle, but a half hour later the woman flipped off the driver, and that caused a brief argument to ensue requiring deputy patrols. (I love my little town, where professional police reporting includes the phrase "flipped off the driver".)

A dead raccoon was found March 30 in a trap left in the woods at Middlepoint and McCurdy Point Road. (When I read this to my friend, all I had to do was clear my throat, indicating a new entry, and speak the words "A Dead Raccoon" to induce rflmao.)

A prowler was said to be outside a home in Ludlow on April 5 and making coyote noises. A deputy saw no sign of a prowler. (It probably _was_ a coyote (or a dog who was part coyote -- heh-heh).

Tips and the jar they were in were stolen April 6 from an espresso stand in Discovery Bay. (As my friend said: "When they find the $33 in small bills and change on grandad's dresser top, they'll be like -- 'Well phew! At least we know he didn't steal it -- because he doesn't have the jar'.")

A tie was found burnt in the middle of North Jacob Miller Road on April 9. There were no other signs of a fire or problems in the area. This is definitely in the top ten for my all-time favs, but read below to see why I don't think it may not make the final cut. Even though it's probably not the Best Blotter Entry EVAH, it does have a very nice Twin Peaks-ish ambience going on there.

Now -- Drum Roll, Please! My current front-runner for Best Blotter Entry EVAH (though surely it may be knocked off its pedestal as the saga of my little town unfolds) is:

A woman said two Mormons came to her door Jan. 21, and she was concerned that they might not be real Mormons.

I heart my tiny little town with an unrivaled fury.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 11:00 AM  

1 comments:

Ouyangdan said... May 7, 2009 at 2:25 PM  

Perhaps the raccoon was the one having the meth problem?

And, I would ask for some ID from those Mormons...they can be sneaky...

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