I Always Wanted A Brass Brassiere

It's cold outside -- and this has brought to mind phrases about Witch's Tits and whatnot -- and this has set me off on another of my ponderings about such phrases.

I mean, who do you think first coined that particular phrase -- "Colder than a witch's tit in a brass brassiere?"

For that matter, who uttered the initial version of "Slicker than snot on a doorknob"?

Or "Colder than a well-digger's ass"?

Or "Dumb as a box of rocks"?

Who were these people? Will we ever know? Do they mind that we use their witticisms without credit?

Since it is unlikely that you will be able to answer these questions in any definitive manner, please include your own favorites in comments.

Here are some more that I like:

One coupon shy of a toaster.
Sharp as a marble.
Couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery.
Ugly as a sack of spanners.
Ugly as a bulldog licking piss off a nettle.
Couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 12:17 AM  


vesta44 said... December 19, 2008 at 3:15 AM  

Personally, I like "a few sandwiches short of a picnic" and "not the brightest bulb in the box". I added to the "dumber than a box of rocks" by saying "not only is he/she/it dumber than a box of rocks, he/she/it is dumber than the box the rocks came in" (what can I say, I'm fond of exaggeration).

Bob said... December 19, 2008 at 5:05 AM  

"Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top."

Jo Asakura said... December 19, 2008 at 6:30 AM  

Only one oar in the water and rowing in circles

A few cards short of a full deck, and the ones he has are jokers

Dumb as a box of left-handed hammers

DarthVelma said... December 19, 2008 at 7:28 AM  

I coined one a few years ago that I like..."not the brightest lightning bug in the swarm."

Danny said... December 19, 2008 at 7:31 AM  

Instead of "not the brightest bulb in the box" I've become fond of saying "not the brightest candle in the chandelier".

NoAstronomer said... December 19, 2008 at 7:38 AM  

Via my Drill Instructor :

As much use as a chocolate teapot.

Seraph said... December 19, 2008 at 7:58 AM  

"Couldn't find your ass in the dark with both hands and a flashlight"

"Need to go around your ass to get to your elbow."

Incidentally, I've never heard the "brass brassiere" part - and the few witches' tits I've had contact with were quite warm.

Anonymous said... December 19, 2008 at 8:06 AM  

A few pickles short a full jar.

Faith said... December 19, 2008 at 8:13 AM  

Queer as a $3 bill.
More issues than a magazine rack.

I'd never heard the boot/piss one. I love it. I might have to use that at the family holiday dinner! FTW!

Anonymous said... December 19, 2008 at 8:49 AM  

I'm fond of "not the brightest crayon in the box"

Anonymous said... December 19, 2008 at 10:34 AM  

An old girlfriend of mine used to say; "Slicker than owl shit on a wet limb."


"I heard that with my bad ear."

rowmyboat said... December 19, 2008 at 10:45 AM  

I say "not the sharpest spoon in the drawer," which is a mix up of a couple others.

Rachel said... December 19, 2008 at 12:32 PM  

Dumber than a sack of hammers

More issues than National Geographic (this one applies to me)

An anthology of issues in microfiche (this one applies to my ex)

Got hit with the ugly stick

I might respond with more as they come to mind!

Anonymous said... December 19, 2008 at 12:57 PM  

From the Australian vernacular and off the top of my early morning head;
As camp as a row of tents,
As queer as a hatful of arseholes,
As mad as a cut snake,
Couldn't organise a root in a brothel,
Sticks out like dogs balls,
Flat out like a lizard drinking.


Maud said... December 19, 2008 at 3:00 PM  

If s/he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Doesn't have all hir dogs on one leash.
Couldn't find water if s/he fell out of a boat.
A few clowns short of a circus.
The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
S/he fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Hir sky-light leaks a little.

I seem to have accumulated only insults. But they tend to stick with you, as people will insist on bringing them to mind!

Joyce said... December 19, 2008 at 5:03 PM  

If you had a brain, you'd take it out and play with it.

All my other ones have already been posted. D'oh!

dorki said... December 19, 2008 at 5:34 PM  

One of the earliest I heard was "Cold as a brass outhouse seat".

One of my current favorites is "A few chips shy of a full circuit board".

kcd said... December 19, 2008 at 7:55 PM  

this one is for (classical? I dunno if this applies to other kids) musicians only:

Couldn't play "Come to Jesus" in whole-notes.



AliceR said... December 20, 2008 at 3:46 AM  

I've always been a fan of "Not the sharpest tool in the shed". And "box of fluffy ducks" and all it's variations (box of fluffies, box of ducks, box of birds, etc). Not sure how someone got fluffy ducks from "I'm fine, thank you", but I guess that's the appeal.

A fellow physics student once turned to me after a particularly curly class & said "My brain's all crispy at the edges". Mmm, crispy brain.

Christina said... December 20, 2008 at 6:38 AM  

Keith is famous for these.

My favorites include:

--more excuses than a pregnant nun

--couldn't get laid in a mattress factory

--looks like he/she/it was set on fire and beat out with a golf shoe. (very ugly)

--a beer short of a six pack/case.

--couldn't find his/her own ass with both hands and a map.

pidomon said... December 20, 2008 at 6:53 AM  

nothing original to add they've all been tkaern but I've never heard the pour piss out of a boot one so now I'se gots something new!

NameChanged said... December 20, 2008 at 4:25 PM  

When people are suprised at my intelligence I respond while pointing to my head "Not just a hat rack my friend."

per-simmon said... December 20, 2008 at 11:41 PM  

How about "about as much use as a screen door on a submarine"?

Kyra said... December 21, 2008 at 3:54 PM  

"About as practically useful as an ejection seat in a helicopter."

"Five beers short of a six-pack."

"Not overburdened with sanity/sobriety/intelligence."

"Four wings short of a biplane."

And half-remembered from some Harry Potter fanfic: "He is as strong and forthright as the foundations of Hogwarts themselves: cracked, dangerously unstable, and with a tendency to give off noxious gases."

Kyra said... December 21, 2008 at 3:55 PM  

"Possessed of his own dimmer switch" for someone willfully stupid or ignorant.

Anonymous said... December 21, 2008 at 10:36 PM  

Tit's on a Boar?
one I use occasionally...when it applies of course ;-), imo...

Jennifer said... December 27, 2008 at 6:36 AM  

If I might break form a little, I was delighted when I accidentally came out with "that's just gravy on the cake," and have used it regularly ever since.

Anonymous said... January 9, 2009 at 10:54 AM  

This is my partner's not mine:

It's like trying to shave with a banana.

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