A Portly True Christmas Story

Once upon a time, I knew this rather interesting lesbian couple.

They were both daughters of Christian preachers from very strict denominations (must be something in the communion wafers).

They were both very active politically -- they were leaders in the lesbian-community where I lived, espousing extremely progressive, queer-positive, feminist values, fighting all sorts of -isms in that hands-on way that I admire, and both were slightly older than I at a time when a few years seemed to make more difference than it does to me now.

One of them was what might be termed a "nice girl" -- a quality which can be very comforting and appealing, but which she had realized was actually only 25% natural to her -- the other 75% having resulted from ingrained cultural entrainment as a "preacher's kid".

Her therapist (we all had therapists in those days) had suggested that she start exercising the muscles of her "bad girl", in order to come into balance, and the therapist challenged her to do three "bad girl" things before the end of the year.

One of these "bad girl" things is the story I'm about to tell.

A few days before Christmas, Nice Girl approached me and my (then) lover and asked for our assistance in her current bad-girl project. She (preacher's kid) and her partner (also preacher's kid) had devised a scheme for bad-girl action, but they needed accomplices. My lover and I were both more of the 75% bad/25% nice-girl persuasion, so of course we said yes.

This was the plan:

She and her partner would dress in full angelic regalia (white chintz gowns, tinsel-wrapped halos, and gauzy wings), and we would drive around to various outdoor locations which they had already scouted, where we would perform bad-girl feminist "actions". They needed a driver (since their gowns were all flowy and shit and possibly gas-pedal impeding), and a photographer -- which is were my lover and I came in.

I volunteered to drive, since I'm fairly clueless with a camera.

Once it was fully dark on Christmas Eve, we set out in a foreign make compact station wagon, I at the wheel, my lover in the passenger seat, and the two angels crammed in the back, their wire halos bumping the ceiling, with their stash of "action" supplies awkwardly stacked between them. The two soon-to-be bad girls guided us through the streets to the proposed site of our first action -- a full on, nearly life-sized plastic creche arrangement on a well-lit front lawn.

I must say, I was a bit daunted. The house lights indicated that someone was probably home, and the lawn dazzled with lights of the twinkly/Christmasy persuasion in addition to a very prominent halogen streetlight on the corner of the property. As we passed, I slowed down in what I hoped would be a convincing mimicry of "just out to see the decorations", and then pulled down the block a bit, where I parked in the shadows.

In my best film-noir mode, I adjusted the rear-view so that I could see both of the angels in the back seat and said, authoritatively: "OK. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to circle the block again, and get a better look at whether they're home, and if so, whether they're in the front room or anywhere they can see us easily. If it's clear, you two jump out, do the action and get your asses back to the car. THEN we circle the block once more and if no one's on the lawn because they heard or saw us, we snap the photo. Got it?"

Peering into the rear-view, I saw Nice Girl's eyes widen in awe. "You've done this before . . . . "

Well, no, actually, not exactly this, but I had done things like this before. I bit my cheek to keep from laughing. She just looked so earnest.

We proceeded with the plan. Drove around the block. Two very jittery angels jump out, do the action, plummet back toward the vehicle, and jump in -- then we circle and get the picture. I think we hit about ten nativity scenes that night, including one on the street which was most infamous for its XDX (Xmas Decoration Xcess -- you know -- the street that every town/city has, whimsically called "Wonderland" or "Candy Cane Lane" or "Festival of Lights"?) .

And when we were through, this is the earth-shatteringly bad thing we had done:

We then retired to their cozy manse for hot-chocolate.

You're scared of me now, aren't you.

Posted byPortlyDyke at 1:23 AM  

18 comments:

Rachel said... December 25, 2007 at 5:02 AM  

Actually, I'm pretty sure I'm in love with all four of you.

pidomon said... December 25, 2007 at 6:16 AM  

scared but still oddly attracted at the same time!

I hope you have a great holiday Portly!!!!

kamrinskarma said... December 25, 2007 at 6:55 AM  

Scared? No. Wanting you on my next raid? Heck yeah!

JackGoff said... December 25, 2007 at 8:51 AM  

Scared? Heck no! Overjoyed at the prank? You betcha! :)

Merry Christmas, PD!

Phydeaux said... December 25, 2007 at 11:36 AM  

You're an evil, evil dykely person.

:)

LOL!

Anonymous said... December 25, 2007 at 7:51 PM  

Lovely prank.

It reminds me of several things, such as a bumpersticker it'd love to see: "Mary was an unwed teenaged mother."

And the joke a female pastor told: If the three wise men had been three wise women, they would have stopped and asked for directions so they arrived in time to help with the birth. They would have cleaned the stable and brought practical gifts.

But that is all just repackaging patriarchy, although it gives me a laugh.

The Rooches

Christina said... December 26, 2007 at 8:10 AM  

That is just perfect. I laughed until I cried. Thanks for sharing this, PD.

DBK said... December 26, 2007 at 11:03 AM  

Now THAT shit is funny.

bbrugger said... December 26, 2007 at 10:48 PM  

I'm scared of you.

FSVO scared which includes howling with laughter and making a note to buy you a drink if we ever meet in person.

LD said... December 27, 2007 at 9:55 AM  

Great story PD ! Reminds me of that time in college....:)

Anonymous said... December 27, 2007 at 10:23 PM  

I love you. Thank you for doing that, and for telling us about it.

Lora Starrunner

julia said... February 11, 2008 at 11:15 AM  

That's a very nice table top studio shot of some I'd guess rather small figurines...where are the shots you got that night? Excellent prank though

Sabertoothed Screaming Lemur said... July 21, 2008 at 1:42 AM  

OMG! *is wondering if she can get away with doing it in her town*
Thanks for making me LOL all over my keyboard, PD.

Burning Prairie said... December 13, 2008 at 11:37 AM  

How fun!

Depresso said... December 13, 2008 at 1:31 PM  

That's the best Christmas story I've read in ages, and the first decent laugh I've had all day! Thanks : )

I've also been inspired; I may have to make sure I have a marker pen on hand when out and about from now on...

Anonymous said... December 29, 2008 at 6:02 PM  

RE: this fine image

James Morrow, "Only Begotten Daughter". Read this novel. (Morrow is a sci-fi humorist).

NancyP

liliannattel said... December 25, 2009 at 9:03 AM  

This made me laugh out loud!

It also reminds me of a story I started to write many years ago about a nice girl trying to be bad. The problem was that every bad thing she tried to do, when she got to thinking about it, turned out to be good.

Like this one. Very nice!

Seda said... December 25, 2009 at 5:21 PM  

LOL! That's too cool! Way to go!

Looks like the comments here indicate some desire for a more gender-balanced religion - as well as much good humor!

Merry Christmas! Hohoho! :-)

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